It struck me tonight as I looked at the huge backlog on my DVR that I haven't watched an episode of SPN since ita died. I've participated in fandom, but watching the show... It's like seeing it and then not hearing her opinion about it would make it all real.

it became a lot less important for me to watch, a lot less enjoyable. I actually watched 2 eps tonight and was going to watch the finale, but the opening has me in tears, so I turned it off.

I still fall fully into denial and might be happy to just stay there because I don't much accept the truth still.

I've spent the last few days in a hospital hooked up to a morphine drip. At one point, the nurse said they were switching me to dilaudid, and it burned going in. I kept thinking about ita, and how she ever dealt with that kind of pain and medication, all alone, for so long.

Been dealing with horrible guilt about her death for a long time now. The surgeon called me a warrior. I didn't have much in the way of tears left, but I really needed to tell ita about that, and there was nowhere for it to go.

Before she passed, she was coming to stay with us. She should be sitting in the garden reading a book, making me feel like a wuss about gallbladder surgery and the tiny amount of opiates that make me feel like an overcooked noodle.

Oh, Allyson. Yes.

ita knows that you're a warrior, Allyson.

Una's right. No one had to tell ita that you're a warrior. I think about her during my endless medical procedures, but wish that I had never had to associate ita with pain.

Oh, Allyson, gallbladder pain is awful, I'm so sorry. ita would, I'm sure, agree that you are in no way a wuss for feeling the pain.

Nor would she think you have any reason to feel guilt: you did a great deal for ita, and made a huge difference in her life. But she was also very independent, and would not have wanted you to think you bore all the responsibility for her.

Please be kind to yourself.

Nor would she think you have any reason to feel guilt: you did a great deal for ita, and made a huge difference in her life. But she was also very independent, and would not have wanted you to think you bore all the responsibility for her.

This is so true, but I also know how guilt works, and that it doesn't respond to logical arguments. For me, guilt and grief tend to pair up.

I've wanted to write a poem about ita, for her. And I finally have a rough draft I posted in Great Write WAy that they asked I share here.

I know ita had changed her user name but I still thought of her as !ita or in my head "interbangita!" so when you see !ita it's "interbang ita"

So here it is... I hope no one thinks I've made a mischaracteriszation it needs some polish but this is, I guess ita seen through my lens.

!ita
ita bang
ita moon

A force
gravity's pull
we are her satellites

ita bang
ita moon
!ita
a punch
a kick
sharp mind
cross swords - defend - prove your point
no strawmen here

ita moon
!ita
ita bang
electromagnetic field across the world
we find -each day- where she touched
who she touched
influence in surprising places
scope beyond realization

cornerstone
friend
touchstone
pink gingham
dragonfly
connoisseur of fine men
Ting and curry

She was
she is
she will be

the internet is forever
our hearts are forever
b.org
odeck
krav
one generation -the next generation
grace & noah
matilda
emmett
other children touched in her gravity
pass down the stories
artist
baker
coder
fighter

!ita
ita bang
ita moon
Firefly legend
family
friend

fighter

She found peace

and we grapple with that still

Oh, askye, it hurts in a beautiful way. Thank you so much.

I've been looking back on my journeys through grief and know that it will get, I won't say easier, but different. One day when we read of Allyson being a warrior, or one of the Buffista sprog kicking ass in martial arts, or pass a stranger dressed in pink gingham, that day will be different than today. Instead of a lump in the throat, or tears, we will smile and treasure the memory in a different way. And we'll be grateful for the joyful reminder.