( continues...) are not there to try to ruin the keyboard.

And that's what I lack when it comes to ita's death (goodness, each time I force myself to type that, and each time it doesn't get any easier, any more real). I was indeed lucky enough to get to meet her, when I was in LA, but mostly, I met her through her words, through this board and her posts in it. And she was so true to herself, so thouroughly faifhful to herself, that those words were enough to convery her spirit, her wonderful powerful honest joyous - I can add to many more adjectives here - spirit. Her words were how I was lucky enough to get to know her, the little bit that I managed to. Words were how I tried to communicate to her how much I respected and liked and adored and loved her.

And words - expecially those on computer screens - were something I didn't get to have much of lately. There are all sort of reasons - of excuses, and actual reasons, and urgent things preventing me from doing more things that I love and miss, or at least postponing them until the everyday running-around will become a bit less hectic, until nights are slept through, until physical needs of babies become a bit less urgent physical needs of toddlers and children. But regardless of explanations, this was the reality around my computer time (ever since I finished my PhD and started lecturing full-time, not working long hours in front of a computer anymore, but only getting to it for certain specific tasks), or actually, lack thereof.

So I didn't get to exchange nearly enough words with my friends not in face-space (also in face-space, but that's so not the point right now). I skimmed a bit, occasionally. I skipped a lot. I tried to threadsuck and see if I can find how people are doing. I followed "Beep Me" and "Press" faithfully, but I very rarely got to engage in actual conversation.

And you were there. You are always there. I can turn the computer on, and my fingers still type automatically the site's address, and I immediately feel comfortable poking around and seeing how everybody is doing. And if I ever get to watch a TV show or read a book or watch a movie, I can always look for the right thread, no matter how old (you can't believe how behind I am on any of these, and that's even on the stuff I wanna watch, let alone regarding things I have no idea about, and can't even tell what they are and if they may have an appeal for me). And there it is - lively intelligent discussion, and I can catch up on it, and usually I don't even need to have to phrase opinions, because you guys phrase them so well, much better than I ever could, and usually in a much more consice manner.

So the words are always there, and I can dig into them whenever I want, whenever I may find the time, the attention and being-awake-ness. And it's everybody's words. Including ita's. And whenever I may open a thread to read about something (I'm still in the past decade in "Literary", for example, but I do spoil myself with a few posts from there from time to time), the only presence I have for her, the "her" that is her for me, is still there.

And even if I skip in Natter, and her name is not there, it takes a minute to register that the reson is not that she took time off from the board, or went somewhere, or anything. The words are there, her words are still right there, nothing changed, so how can it change so much?

Probably this is why I can only write this now, after I got Lee's package. After a tangible object which could only be hers is right here. It makes it real, somehow, I guess. More real. A big step in the road.

I'm sorry. PiBoy and Pi++Toddler are due home any minute now, so I have to just click "Post" and close the computer. I have no idea if any of what I wrote makes any sense, but I'm afraid not posting it now may end up in it all being gone, and even if it is an entangled mess of large paragraphs vented all at once on the screen, I can't think of anywhere else I can put it. I'm - no, not just sorry. I miss my friend.

Probably this is why I can only write this now, after I got Lee's package. After a tangible object which could only be hers is right here. It makes it real, somehow, I guess. More real. A big step in the road.

I was at the grocery store last night, and the "International" section (which is really just half of an aisle) had a small amount of Jamaican foods, including a prepackaged bun, and my first thought was "I have to take a picture to see what ita thinks about this."

Every time I remember I'll NEVER find out what ita thinks about it makes it more real to me, and then Tim finds me crying in the International half-aisle of the grocery store.

Oh, Nilly. So much sense.

I am too much not wanting to be crying at my desk to say more right now, but I want to say that much.

Nilly, your posts always amaze me; so cogent and compassionate and lyrical--I feel everything along with you and it makes everything feel so much more real. Thank you for being so eloquent for me, and possibly many others here.

Wolfram, it's so good to see you posting here, even if it is under these circumstances (I tried to e-mail you in January - I have no idea if you got my e-mail, I sent it to an old e-mail address of you that I had). I hope all is well with you and yours.

Nilly, I did get it. I emailed you back, but it was during Passover so you may have missed it. Thank you for reaching out. Lots has changed in my life and oddly it seems like some of our life events match up. (I lost my father a few years ago. We have some more children - also a four year old boy and a two year old girl!)

I have no idea if any of what I wrote makes any sense, but I'm afraid not posting it now may end up in it all being gone, and even if it is an entangled mess of large paragraphs vented all at once on the screen, I can't think of anywhere else I can put it.

Everything you wrote is so meaningful and heartbreaking and lovely. Thank you for sharing with us.

What Wolfram said, Nilly. It's always so, so good to see you here, and I love knowing that you're *there*, too, reading and catching up when you can.

::hugs Nilly again::

nothing to add but - I love you, Nilly! always a beautiful thing to see your words.

I think of her every time "Every Kiss Begins With Kay" airs in commercials cause one Valentine's she said "So does Kiss My ass" Nilly, sometimes it still seems like she's in Jamaica and not posting. But she would have said something about Obama and patois so sometimes I remember all over again.

Seeing Johann Urb proposing to Julia Louis Dreyfuss in those Old Navy commercials always makes me think about ita cheerleading on his behalf. Though I suspect she'd be telling commercial Johann that he'd just dodged a bullet.

Nilly, my darling dear, I love you more every time you turn up and post something beautiful and thoughtful and full of your ineffable Nillyness!