It's not something you earn. You are given your portion and you just have to carry it as best you can. Whether it would be narratively satisfying to a hypothetical audience or not.

I keep getting hit by the thousand little things that connect me to ita - the belt with grommets all around I'm wearing right now, the bra I bought from a site she recommended, the damn commas I am putting in all my four-digit numbers (hello, Bargaining, my old friend), etc. etc.

I have been all about the random too. Last night it occurred to me that I am going to have a hard time watching Criminal Minds.

I don't know if any of you ever read io9's Observation Deck section, but I know that's where ita was a big contributor. They changed their page header to honor her (not on the top of the page, but up in the browser's title bar, above the address bar): [link]

Which did make me cry.

It took me a minute to see what you meant, Steph, but that's very touching.

Oh, my. That's so touching.

Oh, my. Damn it. I feel like it gets worse every time I see something like that.

Oh, man.

Now I have sorrow and an earworm.

Okay, now I'm sniffly.

And now I'm dreading the next time I watch Lilo & Stitch -- like that movie didn't have enough crypoints already, I'll now not be able to see Noni strong and exultant on her board without remembering that that is ita's crypoint.

ita's family has arrived safely, and the phones are working. I think I forgot to send LAistas the phone #s, will do on my lunch break.

I haven't cried since last week, the night we found her. I'm in denial, mostly, which is ridiculous considering the circumstances. I watched the coroner take her away.

When not in denial, I am alternately furious and numb.

Allyson, you have the prettiest hair.