I know it doesn't work this way, but when I find myself exploding on the shoulder of near-strangers (they have ONE job to do--why is biology so complicated and fragile), and people I barely know (thanks,J! are going out of their way to make things plausibe--I gave up things already. I gave up on falling in love. I gave up on being a big brain. I gave up on children...was that it? Was I too selfish? I would kill to be taken care of right now, of knowing I could explode and someone would stop me from scattering the pieces, but how can I not feel that ship is sailing faster and faster away? ANd I'm left with no autonomy, weak will, and n ot enough to get by on my own.

I would give back half the larks I had in uni. They just make me feel more miserable now, i stead of warming the cockles of my heart.

And forward just looks dark and echoey almost silent, because even my best shits, when I turn me uo to 120% and pretend life isn't miserable, it's not enough to sell a stranger.

Not nice enough, not good enough, not in enough, not bright enough, not enough.

WE'll see how long that stays up.

I'm sorry it's all so hard, ita. Hope something breaks for you soon.

ita, a friend of mine just got in to see Andy Charles -- do you know this guy? He's pretty excited about new therapies that will come out in a year or so, says like three pharma companies are racing to bring it to market.

Was I too selfish? I would kill to be taken care of right now, of knowing I could explode and someone would stop me from scattering the pieces, but how can I not feel that ship is sailing faster and faster away? ANd I'm left with no autonomy, weak will, and n ot enough to get by on my own.

Not nice enough, not good enough, not in enough, not bright enough, not enough.

NO. It's not because you were "too selfish" or "not X enough."

It's not because you have "weak will." It's stupid biology, and you're doing what you can about it. It's not enough, but that's because of science.

I understand these feelings, because you're in constant pain AND you are fucking depressed and anxious. Would AD's or anti-anxiety meds be contraindated for any of your other meds? I wish to the PTB that I lived close enough to be a patient advocate for you, and help you out. If you ever need me to make calls for you, and get shit done, all you have to do is get ahold of me.

I ADMIRE you. Always have. Still do. You are worthy of admiration and love and friendship and help, no matter what choices you made about children -- THAT doesn't make you culpable for what your body does.

_____________________

quester, much-ma for your niece.

My brain is healing, but the huge holes in my memory are still wigging me out. And I'm still unsure how I will explain my absence to coworkers. Thank you so much for helping take care of me. I'll be forever grateful.

He's pretty excited about new therapies that will come out in a year or so, says like three pharma companies are racing to bring it to market.

He's the other migraine guy in my neuro office. My doctor has mentioned "things to come out", but a year is ridiculously long far away.

I know I need ADs adjusted, but first I must find a psych who specialises in (or understands) chronic pain patients, and neither my pain nor my migraine doc knows of one. My migraine doc says that psychs treat people with my medication profile like addicts, and...you can see my hesitation.

All flights at o'Hare and Midway have been grounded for 2 hours. Happy Fruday anyone who is traveling today. (Fire at a radar station, not threats or anything. )

Midway going to be closed until noon. This is gonna be ugly.

Fire at a radar station, not threats or anything. )

Didn't that also happen a year or two ago?

I don't remember.

But this is getting weird. They found a guy in the basement where the fire was with a "self-inflicted injury".

Five Thirty Eight finally finished their Best American Burrito bracket!