So, what does all this have to do with me? Technically nothing, I suppose, except that we're a small staff (4 people) and they both complain (at length) to me, so I feel like I can see both sides of the issue when they can't.
I see two possibilities.
The first is to start telling them both to leave you the eff out of it.
The second is to offer to them both to have a one-time sit-down with the three of you to address issues they have each raised so you can offer your perspective on them -- and THEN they can leave you the eff out of it.
Kate, I feel you. I end up acting as mediator a lot because people talk to me and I hate fucking drama, and I want to fix things. It's esp. hard when you get both POV's and both have valid points about things.
My question would be: Have you told both of them, diplomatically, what you have said here? It seems like D feels defensive about her perceived status and wants to be valued and appreciated, and might feel vulnerable because she doesn't have those letters behind her name yet. And M has a lot of schedule juggling and program juggling on her plate, and is focused on getting things done, and wants to cut through to the meat and make things happen.
Me? I would remark to D that she's obviously an experienced and intelligent woman who is getting two advanced terminal degrees at once, which is a huge accomplishment, of which she should be rightly proud. And that M knows that and appreciate her intellligence and dedication, as do you, but that M has a personality style which is focused on the big picture, and therefore she focuses on making things work and that's her job -- and that the scheduling issue is stressful to everyone with such a small staff (blame the budget cut -- every librarian I know bitches rightly about budgets) and it sucks for EVERYONE that they have to be more flexible than would be optimal.
And for M, since she's your boss, it depends on your relationship with her. Maybe point out (timing-wise being appropriate) some good thing D has done, and work in that it's great that M is working so hard AND getting two adv term degrees, and that is really stressful, and stress makes people dig in their heels, and D would probably be a little more flexible if she got a pat on the head (figuratively, and a genuine one) because it's common for professionals who work with children to be seen as lesser than because...they work with children.
All casual and as feels right. Other than that, there's really nothing you can do, other than (a) stay out of it, (b) tell them straight out they should sit down and talk it out because it's a small staff and 2 out of 4 being pissy and hurt or irritated and grumpy is a huge PITA and to ovary up and deal.
Me, I can rarely choose A, and B is usually an option for when you know the people really well (and one of them doesn't sign your paycheck) so...
Also, ND -- that is a LOT. Ugh. No wonder you are exhausted.
Thanks for the perspective, Trudy and Strix. I actually have a very good relationship with M, so I think I could probably raise these issues with her. I just wonder whether it's my place to do so, but if it would help her relationship with D, I think I should try.
And D and I talk a lot and she knows I have her back, but she does also have a tendency to cast herself as a bit of a martyr (and to be fair, she is dealing with a lot -- on top of the workload with her two degrees, she also has two major health issues that impact when/how much she can work). I offered recently to relieve her of her desk duty for two hours on Monday mornings, a time when I am almost always either free or working down in her area anyway, and at first she gratefully agreed, and now she's backing down and saying, "no, M wants me on the desk [not totally true -- M would be happy for me to share D's desk duties], so that's where I'll be," with (to me) a distinctly woe-is-me air that makes me a little nuts.
But I'm glad to hear y'all saying that I'm not being a total buttinsky for wanting to talk to them both about this, either separately or together.
Holy crap, ND. That's a lot! Can you delegate any of it?
Well, that's the list after delegating a bunch of other stuff.
Well, there's allways self-cloning.
I just wonder whether it's my place to do so
Well, you can't officially do anything, but in a small group, everyone normally has several hats to wear.
Though I'm a bad resource on this, because I hate drama and feel no need to fix it, I just retreat from it.
But I'm glad to hear y'all saying that I'm not being a total buttinsky for wanting to talk to them both about this, either separately or together.
You're not butting in, you've been invited in. Annoyingly invited, but invited.
Oh, hey, yesterday was 1 MONTH (in a row) of flossing my dang teeth. (Still BORING OH MY GOD.) My reward was backing the Exploding Kittens Kickstarter (which ends in 5 hours if anyone wants in on it: [link]
Hey, Lee, I have your work address, which you said in the past was best for sending things to you. Is that still the case?
