I can't even imagine how painful that was, Allyson. I'm sure it will stay with you for some time but I second Trudy and JZ's words. So many wise individuals here.

Allyson I'm so sorry. I wish we could all take that from you or help carry that pain.

bon bon's right, feel free to talk about it. Again if it will help. I know you've been through so much and this is anoheer load for you to carry but if the Buffistas can help you carry it we will.

Happy birthday, msbelle! I know you're not feeling it this year. I'm not sure I was feeling it, either. But I did make plans with local January birthday people, and we're going out for beer and pub food on Monday.

I've been saying yes to getting together with people this year.

One of my co-workers asked me why I was out yesterday and I was honestly surprised that there are people who don't know.

Someone just emailed to ask me if I was feeling better because I was out yesterday, and I don't know what to say in response.

Allyson. What Trudy, JZ, and others have said, really. Listen to me, as someone who has been told her child is dead. You can't imagine what mercy it was having someone who knew her and loved her tell them she's gone.

It's horrible and difficult and I'm so, so sorry that you had to do it at all. But someone had to, and that it was you made an enormous difference. Thank you. Whatever it must have cost you, thank you so much.

Oh, Beverly.

msbelle, I won't wish you happy. I'll wish you a moment of peace and self-awareness, and self appreciation that you've lived another year. That's a not-inconsiderable achievement, and it deserves acknowledgement. When you get to it, when you're able, celebrate the fact. For now, it's okay not to.

Morning, everybody. All still here? Good. Keep it that way.

Yesterday someone who stops in to visit occasionally did so, and I was trying to explain the grief and anger and who ita is and how twisting it all is, and he put on his best Face of Earnest Empathy, patted my shoulder, and said warmly, "She would want you to be happy." Which, placed against the vast entirety of ita and her wants and expectations for those around her, was so utterly ridiculous I just barely stopped myself from laughing in his well-intentioned face.

I still get queasy horrified wrong-like-an-ita-link giggles just thinking about it. ::pat, pat, there, there, measured murmuring tones:: "She would want you to be happy." Snork! I mean, come on, just come the fuck ON.

Beverly, thank you for saying that.

We are a fucking amazing group of people. Don't ever let anyone think differently.

Could I love BevDog more? No I could not.

Thanks shrift, yeah am still doing the stuff. Dinner with parents tomorrow.

Best thing ever is that jesse arrives Saturday and then we see DJ and India on Sunday and that will be good.

Oh, Bev. Love to you.

I've being saying yes to getting together with people this year.

Yes. I'm so glad I'm getting together with the NC-istas to raise a glass to ita tonight. I'm so glad that I went to the DC F2F all those years ago, even though I was in such a bad place in my life when I first found this board. I'm so glad that I said yes every time I have have said yes to spending time with Buffistas in person over the years. I want to do it more.