I think I'm moving past numb into grief.

On a personal level, on Monday I finally accepted that I have truly injured myself, sprained my hip badly enough that the two solid months of intense marathon training I've been doing has been derailed. I don't know yet how quickly it will heal or if I'm going to be able to run the marathon. Thinking about not running the marathon may not sound like a big emotional deal, but it's hard to even contemplate when I've worked so hard for it and wanted it so badly.

And then the news about ita made that so stupid and so unimportant, and yet somehow not, because now it's all tied together for me, and I feel like I need to run it for her. In her honor. To be that warrior, that woman strong enough to tackle something that feels impossible. I turn 40 next month, so there's so mid life crisis edges to this too.

And tonight as I left my doctor after getting therapy on the muscle, the doc (who is a running expert and wrote a book about stretching for running) said he likes my optimism. He hasn't pulled me. Yet. But I could see in his face that he might. And I found myself trying to explain that I was so heartbroken because I needed to run this marathon for this friend of mine who just passed away, and it made no sense and I had to make a quick exit before I started to cry in his office. So I'm sitting in the parking lot typing this out because none of it makes any sense, and it hurts.

That is excellent news, katefate!

Is it just me and my issues that hears it that way?

Nope. It makes me want to hit something.

No. But maybe we have the same issues.

I'm sorry about the marathon being only a maybe, Pix, and that you got hit so hard with everything while at the doctor's office.

I think I'm finally driving my emotional train again. I napped a lot. Like a lot lot. The Lokes and The Pumpk would wake me by pawing my hands and face to get pets. Or trying to shred the Kleenex box. I'm also kinda wondering if I also had a mild stomach bug. Despite eating very little the past couple days, my insides were pretty...dramatic. But I had my salad for dinner and the angry thing inside me is quiet.

Kathy and katefate, congrats on both of your achievements! Kathy, you still swimming? I've wondered sometimes over the years.

I think tomorrow will be functional. Annoying as fuck because a quick glance at my email indicates all sorts of stupid shit went down. Sigh.

Pix, I hope you get to run your marathon. But soft tissue injuries like that can be a bitch to heal. I still have pain from a relatively minor injury I got rock climbing in 2006. But I didn't take care of that injury in any way. If the doc says don't run... maybe don't run. Take care of yourself, ita would want that too.

Hil, hearing that makes me very thankful I have a doctor who phrases the need for tests as ruling out bad possibilities and giving peace of mind rather than as a consequence or punishment. (Bad patient! No biscuit!)

I can't think about not running now. But thank you, and I hear you.

And thanks also for letting me brain dump.

I just read back and want to send my love to katefate (congrats!) and Kathy and all the other Buffistas I haven't seen in forever. So, so good to see you. And Sean, I'm sorry about the surgery but glad you're getting it taken care of. I know it's been a source of true misery for you, and I hope once you get past the healing you will feel a thousand times better. And yes, we will help out as we can.

And hi, everyone. I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad to see so many Buffistas who had wandered posting again. Hi, Kathy!

I called in sick today because I felt exhausted and wrung out, and had a headache that made thinking hurt. I need to go in tomorrow and get some stuff done, but like a lot of people have been saying, this has put perspective on things. I could take the day, so I did.

I need to update the BRQG sometime soon.