Allyson, I'm SO glad you've posted; I've been very worried about you all morning. I had to find a friend's body in college and call her parents and there's NO GOOD WAY to do it. You were fine. You cared, and you were there, and they were lucky to have someone who loved her make the call, not some cop or ME. They knew that her friends were with her to make sure she was treated with the respect she deserved.
If you ever, ever, ever, need to talk, I am here for you, day or night.
Much love to all who had to go through that horrid, wrenching experience last nights. You are my heroes.
Betsy, that Millay poem is my favorite poem with regards to mourning:
Dirge Without Music
by Edna St. Vincent Millay
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,—
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
I'm sorry you had to do it, Allyson, but you were so the right person to call, and I'm sure you did better than most people under the circumstances.
I wish I wasn't on the other side of the continent and could do something. I am so grateful to those of you are dealing with this there. We should gather some of people's responses for her family. I could start doing that, except for the crying. I never cry.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love you all and how much the house that ita built has meant to me?
Oh God. No words. But the Edna Viccent Millay poem speaks to me.
"I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned. "
If there's anything I can do, let me know.
And though I am strapped, I will move heaven and earth to be there in LA for her memorial. If Moji approves of sending letters or cards, I NEED to do so. .
People keep wanting to schedule meetings with me today, and I don't have the spoons. This sucks so much. I held the door for a coworker and she asked how I was doing, and I just blurted out how I really was not okay.
I'm definitely going home soon to wrap myself in a blanket burrito, because I can't put you all in bubble wrap.
(starts popping at bits of imaginary bubble wrap)
Thank you so much, Allyson. And Kristen and Paula and Burrell and Lori and Kat. I'm so sorry it had to be you, but so glad that it could be.
Jesse said exactly what I wanted to. It's awful that you guys had to be the ones on the ground dealing with this, but for ita's sake and her family's I'm so glad that it's people who love her that are doing so rather than someone who didn't know her.
Oh, Allyson. Nobody should ever, ever be qualified to make that call and tell someone that thing; you were as qualified as anyone to be that conduit to the Andersons, but I hate like hell that you had to.
(Allyson, Kristen, Paula) (ita) (no)
I don't think she'd mind if I shared this with you now. Because it's so very applicable again.
I know you're inundated with both missives and emotions right now, so don't feel for any reason that you have to respond to this. I thought I'd wait a day or few so it didn't feel like more of more pressure.
I just want to you know what while you can't help what you feel, *I* want to help what you feel. I want you not to feel responsible, and I want you not to feel like you're alone. As long as part of your brain can hold that knowledge for when you have more emotional ability to handle it.
That you're incredibly loved, incredibly supported, and that we're all here for you. I wish so much I could be close enough to you to hug you if you're accepting those, or just make you hot drinks if that's what works best. Whatever you need.
Take care of yourself, Maria, and let the people around you take care of you too. Do as little as you can get by doing, and feel whatever you need to.
Later, sweetie.
ita.
I'm going to follow her advice yet again. She was an incredible human being. I'm glad we're taking care of each other.
