I'm sorry you had to do it, Allyson, but you were so the right person to call, and I'm sure you did better than most people under the circumstances.

I wish I wasn't on the other side of the continent and could do something. I am so grateful to those of you are dealing with this there. We should gather some of people's responses for her family. I could start doing that, except for the crying. I never cry.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love you all and how much the house that ita built has meant to me?

Oh God. No words. But the Edna Viccent Millay poem speaks to me.

"I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned. "

If there's anything I can do, let me know.

And though I am strapped, I will move heaven and earth to be there in LA for her memorial. If Moji approves of sending letters or cards, I NEED to do so. .

People keep wanting to schedule meetings with me today, and I don't have the spoons. This sucks so much. I held the door for a coworker and she asked how I was doing, and I just blurted out how I really was not okay.

I'm definitely going home soon to wrap myself in a blanket burrito, because I can't put you all in bubble wrap.

(starts popping at bits of imaginary bubble wrap)

Thank you so much, Allyson. And Kristen and Paula and Burrell and Lori and Kat. I'm so sorry it had to be you, but so glad that it could be.

Jesse said exactly what I wanted to. It's awful that you guys had to be the ones on the ground dealing with this, but for ita's sake and her family's I'm so glad that it's people who love her that are doing so rather than someone who didn't know her.

Oh, Allyson. Nobody should ever, ever be qualified to make that call and tell someone that thing; you were as qualified as anyone to be that conduit to the Andersons, but I hate like hell that you had to.

(Allyson, Kristen, Paula) (ita) (no)

I don't think she'd mind if I shared this with you now. Because it's so very applicable again.

I know you're inundated with both missives and emotions right now, so don't feel for any reason that you have to respond to this. I thought I'd wait a day or few so it didn't feel like more of more pressure.

I just want to you know what while you can't help what you feel, *I* want to help what you feel. I want you not to feel responsible, and I want you not to feel like you're alone. As long as part of your brain can hold that knowledge for when you have more emotional ability to handle it.

That you're incredibly loved, incredibly supported, and that we're all here for you. I wish so much I could be close enough to you to hug you if you're accepting those, or just make you hot drinks if that's what works best. Whatever you need.

Take care of yourself, Maria, and let the people around you take care of you too. Do as little as you can get by doing, and feel whatever you need to.

Later, sweetie.

ita.

I'm going to follow her advice yet again. She was an incredible human being. I'm glad we're taking care of each other.

Thank you for sharing that, Maria. Crying again.

I can't breath. I read the post, then all of our posts here and I have been gasping for breath the whole time. Oh, ita.