Oh, bon. Be gentle with yourself.

Yes bon, do be that. Loves to you.

I'm finally at home and can read and let it sink in properly. Been holding a "something terrible happened but I won't let it sink in" for hours at work today. And I still can't believe it. This can't be true.

I am grieving for ita and I am grieving for all you who knew her much better than I did.

I am so sorry. Losing such a pillar is unfathomable. I too wish for a physical place where we can meet. And to hear every ita story there is. And for something, anything, that I could do right now, for anyone.

Thank you for the words, thank you for the poetry. And ita, thank you for this place, and for everything else.

ita and I weren't super-close, but I always admired her. When I was a frequent habitue of the board, I always looked forward to her posting about whatever. It was always funny and razor-sharp-smart.

This. This right here.

I told Annalee. Charlie Jane's on the message too but she hasn't responded.

Thanks to Nora for emailing me.

This will always be the place that taught me what the best of "invisible friends in the Internet box" could be. No small part of that was due to ita and her combination of technical brilliance and stubborn refusal to be anyone else but who she was.

If a person is to be measured by the love she made possible, encouraged, and gave a place to live, then ita is truly a giant among forces for love in the world. And we will all feel the love she shared with us every time we post.

What Karl said. (which was exactly what I wanted to say but didn't know how to) I'm so grateful to have known her, even if I never met her in person.

Kristen – I’m so sorry you had to find her. I’m so sorry to hear that she was in so much pain.

What Jesse said.

I'm waiting for ita to tell us to stop making such a fuss over her, and the it hits me she won't post here again. Noise Design is right though; she will always BE here. The board and ita are intertwined. Just another part of her amazing legacy.

What they all said, bon.

My best friend died unexpectedly when Lilly was 13 months old, and I hadn't seen him nearly as often as I'd wanted to since her birth, so I know the regret, but the reality of a baby is that you don't get out as much as you want to to see your friends.

Never got into SPN, but I had to go read that thread, I don't know, to be closer.

Good morning. I'm trying to find a way to explain what happened, and this might ramble. If I muck it up I'm so sorry.

I've been in touch with ita's family a lot this winter. They were worried about her, and even though ita and I had drifted, for some reason she appointed me her emergency contact. So once (sometimes twice) a week, her mom, dad, and sister would call or email and I'd text ita. If she didn't respond or I didn't see a post here, I'd call Polgara, who lives just a few minutes from her. Paula has keys to ita's place, so she would go and check in on her. Then I'd call Dr. Anderson and tell her everything was ok. And so that was the drill for a little while.

Kristen emailed me at work yesterday to say she hadn't seen posts from ita in awhile, so maybe I should check. I emailed Moji to ask if she had spoken to ita, and she said that their mother had skyped with her 6 days ago.

I told her I'd email her as soon as we heard from her, as usual. I texted Paula to ask her to check on her, and I drove home from work.

When I got in the door, Kristen had a look on her face and I knew. We ran out the door to get to ita's. We didn't want to leave Paula alone. I'm so sorry I sent Paula. I'm so sorry. She found ita on the couch, with her laptop open. She had been reading her email when she passed.

I'm an idiot and keep forgetting to put people's contact information in my phone. I called Kat and then Lori for Burrell's number. Lori sent Burrell to be with Paula, she could get there before Kristen and I.

Paula called and said that the police were asking for a next of kin in the United States. I knew she had been talking to her aunt, but I would have to call her mother to get that information. Kristen said to wait until we got there.

The police couldn't let us in to her apartment until the coroner arrived.

I called ita's mother. I won't describe what happened, it was the worst thing Ive ever done, ever. I wasn't qualified to make that call, and I'm so sorry that a stupid, ridiculous person like me had to tell Dr. and Mr. Anderson that their daughter was gone, and I needed to get a phone number from them for next of kin. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

The four of us waited for the coroner. I called Colin and told him what happened.

The coroner finally came out to talk to us, to ask us if ita had been depressed, why she had a port, get her mother's contact information. Paula explained ita's history. We got the case number from her and the police men. Burrell and I waited for them to take ita away. We had to know that they were going to be kind to her. It's fucked up. I had to see them take her.

Then we went home.

I called Moji and sent her the case information and what the process would be to come and take her home.

I think LAistas will be needed, if you can, to help ita's family when they get here. They're looking for flights/hotel to come and take care of her, but they will need help sorting ita's belongings and getting around, I would think. The coroner and courthouse are Downtown, and ita's place is West LA, and the traffic between the two is insane. If it's possible, I would like to put together a small contact list of people who can help them if they need to get someplace or navigate bureaucracy.

ita will be cremated. We will hold a memorial service for her here in LA. There will be pink gingham. I don't know when. There's a lot to do to help her family, first.

I will check with Moji on whether I can give out the home address for cards. I think it's very important that ita's family knows how loved she is.

I talked to Tim this morning.

I am so sorry if this doesn't make sense or is callous in any way. I know that you deserve to get information. I don't know if this will get lost in the noise. Maybe Jon or Plei can open a thread just for ita for a little while. Without the debate and preferential voting, though I know ita would have enjoyed that.

As I get sharable information, I will share it. I'm so sorry.

It's stupid, but I am so happy I mainlined SPN this Fall.