Never got into SPN, but I had to go read that thread, I don't know, to be closer.

Good morning. I'm trying to find a way to explain what happened, and this might ramble. If I muck it up I'm so sorry.

I've been in touch with ita's family a lot this winter. They were worried about her, and even though ita and I had drifted, for some reason she appointed me her emergency contact. So once (sometimes twice) a week, her mom, dad, and sister would call or email and I'd text ita. If she didn't respond or I didn't see a post here, I'd call Polgara, who lives just a few minutes from her. Paula has keys to ita's place, so she would go and check in on her. Then I'd call Dr. Anderson and tell her everything was ok. And so that was the drill for a little while.

Kristen emailed me at work yesterday to say she hadn't seen posts from ita in awhile, so maybe I should check. I emailed Moji to ask if she had spoken to ita, and she said that their mother had skyped with her 6 days ago.

I told her I'd email her as soon as we heard from her, as usual. I texted Paula to ask her to check on her, and I drove home from work.

When I got in the door, Kristen had a look on her face and I knew. We ran out the door to get to ita's. We didn't want to leave Paula alone. I'm so sorry I sent Paula. I'm so sorry. She found ita on the couch, with her laptop open. She had been reading her email when she passed.

I'm an idiot and keep forgetting to put people's contact information in my phone. I called Kat and then Lori for Burrell's number. Lori sent Burrell to be with Paula, she could get there before Kristen and I.

Paula called and said that the police were asking for a next of kin in the United States. I knew she had been talking to her aunt, but I would have to call her mother to get that information. Kristen said to wait until we got there.

The police couldn't let us in to her apartment until the coroner arrived.

I called ita's mother. I won't describe what happened, it was the worst thing Ive ever done, ever. I wasn't qualified to make that call, and I'm so sorry that a stupid, ridiculous person like me had to tell Dr. and Mr. Anderson that their daughter was gone, and I needed to get a phone number from them for next of kin. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

The four of us waited for the coroner. I called Colin and told him what happened.

The coroner finally came out to talk to us, to ask us if ita had been depressed, why she had a port, get her mother's contact information. Paula explained ita's history. We got the case number from her and the police men. Burrell and I waited for them to take ita away. We had to know that they were going to be kind to her. It's fucked up. I had to see them take her.

Then we went home.

I called Moji and sent her the case information and what the process would be to come and take her home.

I think LAistas will be needed, if you can, to help ita's family when they get here. They're looking for flights/hotel to come and take care of her, but they will need help sorting ita's belongings and getting around, I would think. The coroner and courthouse are Downtown, and ita's place is West LA, and the traffic between the two is insane. If it's possible, I would like to put together a small contact list of people who can help them if they need to get someplace or navigate bureaucracy.

ita will be cremated. We will hold a memorial service for her here in LA. There will be pink gingham. I don't know when. There's a lot to do to help her family, first.

I will check with Moji on whether I can give out the home address for cards. I think it's very important that ita's family knows how loved she is.

I talked to Tim this morning.

I am so sorry if this doesn't make sense or is callous in any way. I know that you deserve to get information. I don't know if this will get lost in the noise. Maybe Jon or Plei can open a thread just for ita for a little while. Without the debate and preferential voting, though I know ita would have enjoyed that.

As I get sharable information, I will share it. I'm so sorry.

It's stupid, but I am so happy I mainlined SPN this Fall.

the reality of a baby is that you don't get out as much as you want to to see your friends

Also, the babies were one of the things that made ita smile. She clearly enjoyed the notion of World Domination and the Buffista contributions to that end.

board clearly in pain

Oh Allyson. Oh love. I'm so sorry.

Allyson you are so loved and I am so sorry. You have no need to apologize . I cannot even imagine how hard.

I wasn't qualified to make that call, and I'm so sorry that a stupid, ridiculous person like me had to tell Dr. and Mr. Anderson that their daughter was gone

Allyson, you love ita, and you took her into your home when she came to LA, and you are one of the most loving people I know. I'm glad you were the one to call her parents. I'm sorry for how gut-wrenching it was, and is, but it's good that you were the one to call ita's parents, because you love their daughter so.

It's not at all callous, Allyson, not a bit of it. I am so very sorry. Thank you, and Paula, and Kristen for all you've done, and all you've had to do.

Thank you Allyson.

I still don't know what else to say. Trying to decide if I should just go home.