Here are the highlights of a thread on a local things for sale Facebook group. It's a closed group, so I can't link to it.

Elf Mom: Need an elf on the shelf ASAP!!!! Ours caught on fire this morning and I need a replacement before school gets out!!! Help!!!

Commenter: Spontaneous combustion?

Commenter: Did he get in your stash

Commenter: Freebasing?

Commenter: Pretty sure those things are possessed. Consider yourself lucky.

Commenter: Fry chucky, FRY!!

Commenter: Why has nobody on this thread inquired about exactly HOW the elf was set ablaze?!?

Elf Mom: And for those wondering HOW, he slipped off the top of the light fixture and got wedged next to a light bulb. Thankfully the small one was out the door and when I went to turn off the light I saw smoke and a leg dangling. Went back after school drop off and he is melted to the light bulb and my house stinks! Just glad little one didn't see it because she "lives" to see him every day.

This is the official obituary:
Waddle Lindsey, 2008-2014
Waddle the Elf brought many years of joy and laughter to our family and friends, but on Tuesday, December 16 he suffered fatal injuries caused by sitting on a light bulb. He left behind many memories of his shenanigans, and a terrible burn smell in the dining room. He will be terribly missed. RIP Waddle #1, as I'm off to Target to find your twin so that he can once again bathe in a bowl of marshmallows. I also need to replace the light bulb that caused this horrible death, because your butt is melted to it.

Commenter: I think you may need to move. Nothing's going to get rid of the lingering scent of third-degree charred elf.

Commenter: Since he's one of Santa's elves I think a true viking funeral is in order. Build his floating pyre and send his warrior soul on to Valhalla where he can drink mead and play tricks on the Valkyries. Waddle died in the line of duty, so only a warriors funeral would suffice.

Elf Mom: Ok, so my Elf on the Shelf crisis has been resolved without the small person even noticing! Thank you for all the...uh...suggestions...you made my day so much brighter and more fun! Happy Holidays to all!

That's kind of amazing, Ginger. Awesome.

AHAHAH! Needed that. Suddenly not convinced my hsa fax went. The canon multi functions were misbehaving so I had to go old school.

Who the fuck faxes anymore?

I don't know what kind of algorithm they've got going at Hulu, but it works. The sent me an ad with Sleepy Hollow, Twin Peaks, and Buffy.

Something must be in the air! I won a Samsung tablet because of a donation challenge for the marathon. I don’t use tablets—my phone and Kindle are plenty—so I’m giving it to my “baby” cousin Laura who is newly in the work world and on her own. She’s beyond thrilled.

Ginger, did you see the WaPo article about elf on shelf and the panopticon: [link]

I had it bookmarked and just read it. I think you'd have to be a Bentham scholar to make the connection, but it works. The concept was introduced earlier in "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" with "He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake...."

The other day I may have unnerved other shoppers by muttering "creepy little stalker" as I went by the Elf display.

Congratulations to the tablet winners! I won a house plant once. It died.

I hope some winning-luck rubs off on me!

Congrats, all!

The infinity scarf talk made me realize that what I really wanted was one made out of black silk tulle. Floaty! Ghostly!

Then I looked at prices for silk tulle. Yeah, that's a project that's going to wait until at least the new year.

Which tablets did you guys win? For once I'm truly not agitated about upgrading my software, but I'm on my second Samsung tablet (for good reasons) and love them beyond, uh, reason.

Jilli, that sounds amazing. There will be pictures, right???

Nice nurse tonight. Replacements can be dicey (I'm not looking forward to the fill-in nurse Sunday--I need to tell her to wear a mask. Sterile field, my ass.) but she's from Belize so we have nice yardie (people from back a' yard, clearly) conversation.