Bryan Sims a legislator in PA was interviewed on Maddow's show tonight. He is super cute. And gay. Matt, you need to look him up.

I know this sounds like I can't even read my own handwriting, but MOTHERFUCK.

What a difference pain makes. I forget how not epically awful the world can be once the pain gets past a certain point. My cab ride to the hospital was me curled in on myself, every buffet of wind from the open front window felt like a blow to the head (hyperbole factor=0%, weight of boxing gloves =14oz), I hated the driver, everything was awful. At the hospital I started crying during triage, I couldn't remember that this bit of the neuro function test was where I squeezed her fingers, NOTHING.

Afterwards? Effusively discussing my bandaid collection with the nurse, chatted with the cab driver the whole way back, from traffic to birthday presents to anything, tipped him 25% because I felt bad for Teavanaing him so thoroughly...

I just...that's what being down to 3 or 4/10 feels like, as opposed to the 8 or 9 I've been hitting most of the week. There is no perspective from the bottom of the well.

Which doesn't make it more trivial--I just don't know how to explain that I'm not overreacting when it's like that, I'm reacting. That is what it's like, and without a map out, it keeps being that way. It is not sanely sustainable, at least not for me. And I don't think it's a depression they can medicate or talk or therapise my way out of. That is what /experiencing/ it is like. Otherwise they'd call it happiness, bitches.

::phew::

Okay, vented. Now for some fruit salad for dinner.

I'm glad you were treated (and well!) tonight, ita.

Bryan Sims a legislator in PA was interviewed on Maddow's show tonight. He is super cute. And gay. Matt, you need to look him up.

Hah. I have one friend who is always pimping his stuff on FB because she went to high school with him, and another who is a gay activitst in Philly who works with him.

Thanks, Amy. It is a huge relief. And I'm going to baby myself for the next few days, so I'm not already/further behind the eight ball (correct idiom (thank you, Teen Wolf)?) on Sunday.

No incest guy actually pestered me for a reply to his "I am so sad, but I'm still not reading what you wrote" post. Jeezus. I just gave him a lecture on not projecting his woes onto strangers and walked away. What does he need from me? Old-timer validation? I mean, who actually says "I'm new to the internet"? He must be 75,

My mid year review was not a review! Thank dog! It was just informing me of my objectives for, um, 2013. Good thing I was already working, huh?

Everyone has the same objectives--the CIO's are inherited by us and the main difference is the weighting. Which I'd never asked about until this year (I knew all mine were hers--I didn't know if she had any others). Also, I only have 80% of objectives, so that's pretty clear leeway to fart around on the company dime, right?

jeez ita, you've really been operating at an 8 or 9? Damn. When I have reached a 7, I call it fucking quits.

jeez ita, you've really been operating at an 8 or 9?

Let's call it "operating". I took Monday off, worked from home pretty well on Tuesday, but there were naps, and cried all the way home (slowly) today at lunch. I don't think I've slept more than three hours in a row (I looked over at my clock first time I woke up last night, saw the time started with a 2, was happy, saw the next character was a 1 and not a colon (making it nine twenty one PM, not two something anything AM) and then cried and took another 12.5mg of Ambien.

Thankfully a lot of my job right now involves arguing (with my boss-it's like Christmas every day), so although it takes stuff out of me, it's not rigorous detail oriented volumes of product that will get checked by someone else.

Yet.

I live in pretty constant terror of being discovered and fired. BUT I MAKE MY DELIVERABLES. I just...discovered and fired. Must be around the corner, no?

My therapist wants to improve the volume of my social life. Good lord, no! More people to fear disappointing? I'm still holding tight to coasting on cred I earned five to twenty five years ago. No new people.

I can't even imagine 8 or 9 constantly. My gall bladder attacks (7) were 9's and I thought I was having a heart attack or dying.

Jesus. Let's get a grant to I can fly over the country and troubleshoot and aid Buffistas in need. Dang.

Shit, I have trouble at 6 or 7. Yeah 4, which I have as long as I do all my stretches and take Tramadol is managable. But then I have to drive, and I have to skip pain meds, and pain level goes up to six or seven. Cannot imagine functioning anywhere near as well as you do at freaking 8. And yeah, what you described is definitely functioning.

Oh, ita_!, I am glad you found some relief.