jeez ita, you've really been operating at an 8 or 9?

Let's call it "operating". I took Monday off, worked from home pretty well on Tuesday, but there were naps, and cried all the way home (slowly) today at lunch. I don't think I've slept more than three hours in a row (I looked over at my clock first time I woke up last night, saw the time started with a 2, was happy, saw the next character was a 1 and not a colon (making it nine twenty one PM, not two something anything AM) and then cried and took another 12.5mg of Ambien.

Thankfully a lot of my job right now involves arguing (with my boss-it's like Christmas every day), so although it takes stuff out of me, it's not rigorous detail oriented volumes of product that will get checked by someone else.

Yet.

I live in pretty constant terror of being discovered and fired. BUT I MAKE MY DELIVERABLES. I just...discovered and fired. Must be around the corner, no?

My therapist wants to improve the volume of my social life. Good lord, no! More people to fear disappointing? I'm still holding tight to coasting on cred I earned five to twenty five years ago. No new people.

I can't even imagine 8 or 9 constantly. My gall bladder attacks (7) were 9's and I thought I was having a heart attack or dying.

Jesus. Let's get a grant to I can fly over the country and troubleshoot and aid Buffistas in need. Dang.

Shit, I have trouble at 6 or 7. Yeah 4, which I have as long as I do all my stretches and take Tramadol is managable. But then I have to drive, and I have to skip pain meds, and pain level goes up to six or seven. Cannot imagine functioning anywhere near as well as you do at freaking 8. And yeah, what you described is definitely functioning.

Oh, ita_!, I am glad you found some relief.

That level of pain is just hard to even imagine until you've been there. I remember thinking I had an idea of pain before my pancreatitis. It was when that hit that I realized what I thought was a 8 or 9 was really more like a 6. No one should have to go through getting their pain scale calibrated like that.

I calibrate using my shoulder. When the procedure wears off I'm left with a pain that makes me want to smash my head against a wall (I say literally, because it has made me self-harm just for a variety in the pain), and it's *constant* and all I do is cry. I only leave the house for the doctor's office, and I don't usually drive.

Sometimes I've had headaches that bad, but not usually. I wouldn't be able to get myself to the ER during the peak of one, so thank god those have waves.

I'm glad the new ER was able to help, ita.

jeez ita, you've really been operating at an 8 or 9? Damn. When I have reached a 7, I call it fucking quits.

I'm thinking the only time I've experienced more than an 8 was upon waking up while the oral surgeon was sawing my bad wisdom tooth in half for extraction. I was ready to give up the Allied invasion plans for Normandy until they turned up the happy juice, I'll tell you what!

I'm not even sure appendicitis was an 8 or 9, at least until the vomiting hit, and at that point I was greyed out. I suspect if it had burst it would have gotten there.

I think the only 8 or 9 level I've experienced was the leg infection I had last year where at points I wanted to crawl instead of trying to stand on the leg in any way. The only thing that stopped me was realizing I'd need to get up again at some point, which would have been worse. Needless to say, I was nowhere near functioning the way you have been.

I wish (and am vibing hard) that they would find a more permanent solution to all this, ita_!

Good and Bad from last night.

Good...I listed some items from the for sale pile on ebay

Bad...went out for dinner and could not use the free entree coupon I had planned on.

Good and Bad...discovered that a favorite fb game that had gone away is now back. (stayed up too late)