oh sara, I'm sorry. I don't even know what to say, but that just sounds super stressful for your whole family.

My pool re-opened and I got to swim. WOOT.

I listened to a most excellent Alain de Button podcast. I'm entirely enamoured.

Okey. I have to start folding clothes. Ugh.

I had so many things to say on your fb post that I didn't even start, Kat.

I think it is most stressful for the parents (aunts and uncles) cause you know, your kids. And with just having lost the first member of their generation- it's been 23 years since the last of their parents died- I think they are really freaked out and taking it hard. I mean, Barry's got to be 50 now (damn, he & Brian don't look it), but we're THE KIDS. We're supposed to be dealing with their mortality and aging brains, not vice versa. But hey, we're rallying. Like I said, my Uncle Charlie is prepped to abandon to farm for the worst part, having done it himself. Another cousin who is a SAHM, but also a trained vet and farmgirl and mentioned uncle's daughter and nursemaid for the worst of his chemo, is ready to abandon her kids (her husband is on board and ready to take FMLA) should he need it. We don't see or talk to each other often enough, we're spread all over, we annoy the fuck out of each other at times, but we're still good & close crises or just reunion.

I'm sorry about your cousin and the stress, sarameg, and about Gracie, Brenda.

I want everyone to listen to the podcast. It's bending my mind and I really like it quite a lot. My friend Matt is a Presbyterian minister. He posted something about people who say they are spiritual vs. religious. And some of the people pushed back on that. I commented about being more religious than spiritual. Then for epiphany, he wrote a sermon about this whole thing. And I've been still thinking about it and I finally got around to the On Being podcast.

Kat, I just found On Being a week ago and downloaded a couple but haven't listened yet. Is it a specific episode you're talking about or the podcast in general?

ETA: Never mind. I just found the FB post where you link to it.

I'm so sorry about Gracie, brenda. And sorry to you too, sarameg. God bless your family for rallying around him so thoroughly.

I am packed and ready to go to Chicago tomorrow. Now to bed, plane leaves early.

I am still awake. I crawled in bed at a reasonable time, had cat snuggle and scritch time, put some quiet music on and nada. Turned the light in, tried to read a chapter in my book but two pages in I kept losing my place and was rereading the same part over and over. Ah-ha, tired! Lights out, snuggled down, and nothing. I've been faking sleep for 3 hours and my brain won't shut up. It isn't even good stuff. I'd say it was boring enough to put myself to sleep but, obviously, that didn't happen.

Oh and this is all after taking my Lorazapam which normally knocks me out.

My computer just popped up the date, not sure why, and my first though was "crap, my birthday is a month from today". I used to love my birthday. I don't care about the age part - but a day where others celebrate me and they plan things for me and I get treats. Ok, sure, more often than not I had to plan things, but it was always family and friends and a celebration.

This year, with family dynamics being all unfun, I can't imagine how it will be anything other than obligatory. If everyone gets together, there is the walking on eggshells to not talk about the person who is causing the problem. And if he is there - even more "putting on a polite face" and not being able to relax and enjoy.

A few weeks back some of my gal friends were talking about having a girls weekend and I had tossed out my birthday weekend so I could skip all the family stuff. But my closest friend in that group is the one with thyroid cancer and she will have just had her surgery. So she wouldn't be up for a party weekend.

Sigh. Sorry for the pity party here. Combine the insomnia with family dysfunction and I'm a puddle.

I'm sorry to hear about Gracie, Brenda.

Sarameg, sending any kind of thoughts that are helpful.

Welp, I finally managed to choke on my own foot. And now I'm up thinking about every darn word. My poor friend in a online writer's group was listening to several people talk, including me, about the faux-doctor case in San Diego, and I randomly remembered an Ian MacClelland comment about homeopathic cures, said it, then remembered too late that the friend's dad has been in hospice. I shifted everyone off the conversation. About 20 minutes later, she told us he'd passed that morning. I am so very sad for her, and horrified that I added more pain to her experience. I made sure the group sent flowers and then proceeded to silent self-loathing. Now all I want to do is apologize profusely, even though I worry that would be more about me and my needs than my friend's.

And I really need to read a book all the way through before I give a copy to my mother in law.

In short. Hello, 3am fail list.

ETA : if it helps any, Suzi, I think you are wonderful.