I am still awake. I crawled in bed at a reasonable time, had cat snuggle and scritch time, put some quiet music on and nada. Turned the light in, tried to read a chapter in my book but two pages in I kept losing my place and was rereading the same part over and over. Ah-ha, tired! Lights out, snuggled down, and nothing. I've been faking sleep for 3 hours and my brain won't shut up. It isn't even good stuff. I'd say it was boring enough to put myself to sleep but, obviously, that didn't happen.

Oh and this is all after taking my Lorazapam which normally knocks me out.

My computer just popped up the date, not sure why, and my first though was "crap, my birthday is a month from today". I used to love my birthday. I don't care about the age part - but a day where others celebrate me and they plan things for me and I get treats. Ok, sure, more often than not I had to plan things, but it was always family and friends and a celebration.

This year, with family dynamics being all unfun, I can't imagine how it will be anything other than obligatory. If everyone gets together, there is the walking on eggshells to not talk about the person who is causing the problem. And if he is there - even more "putting on a polite face" and not being able to relax and enjoy.

A few weeks back some of my gal friends were talking about having a girls weekend and I had tossed out my birthday weekend so I could skip all the family stuff. But my closest friend in that group is the one with thyroid cancer and she will have just had her surgery. So she wouldn't be up for a party weekend.

Sigh. Sorry for the pity party here. Combine the insomnia with family dysfunction and I'm a puddle.

I'm sorry to hear about Gracie, Brenda.

Sarameg, sending any kind of thoughts that are helpful.

Welp, I finally managed to choke on my own foot. And now I'm up thinking about every darn word. My poor friend in a online writer's group was listening to several people talk, including me, about the faux-doctor case in San Diego, and I randomly remembered an Ian MacClelland comment about homeopathic cures, said it, then remembered too late that the friend's dad has been in hospice. I shifted everyone off the conversation. About 20 minutes later, she told us he'd passed that morning. I am so very sad for her, and horrified that I added more pain to her experience. I made sure the group sent flowers and then proceeded to silent self-loathing. Now all I want to do is apologize profusely, even though I worry that would be more about me and my needs than my friend's.

And I really need to read a book all the way through before I give a copy to my mother in law.

In short. Hello, 3am fail list.

ETA : if it helps any, Suzi, I think you are wonderful.

Eh, I think you handled it with grace, Sox.

So many stupid trivial fails this morning (hello, three tries to get dressed properly) I'm afraid of what the rest of the day will bring.

eta: Sigh. Seems coworkers are having the same sort of morning.

I didn't get all that much done yesterday EXCEPT I replaced a washer in my kitchen sink faucet, eliminating a drip and also a much more expensive plumber visit. As is traditional, it took two trips to Home Depot, the first to get a wrench big enough to remove the faucet housing so I could get at the washer to compare with the washer I needed to buy.

At least if it happens again, I'll have the wrench. And also, the washers come in sets of two, so I'm Ready.

Well done, Theo!

In my Chinese history course, the professor just stated that a Chinese friend once told him, defying the usual Western impression, that what he admired about America was your lack of individuality, while the Chinese are too individualistic. I'm rather looking forward to finding out what goes behind that statement. (I'll be asking Biyi about it when she's awake.)

One tangential observation: China's first emperor oversaw a draconian system which harshly punished anyone for stepping outside their own role and the state's demands thereof. He's the guy who was buried with the terra cotta warriors. Every single terra cotta warrior looks different. They went to the great trouble of giving each one their own unique, individual features and even hairstyle. That is the army this most rigidly conformist state produced for its emperor.

I think definitions of ideas like "individualism" and "conformity" are more culturally-based than we realize. Someone from a different culture might have something in mind other than what we mean by those words. If you ever find out what prompted that statement, billytea, I'm very interested in knowing it.

brenda, I'm sorry about Gracie. How lovely that she passed so peacefully.

After my boss retired, I applied for his job and in sounds like I may finally get to hear the outcome of the search process soon. It's been the weirdest process ever (Lee may be the only one who appreciates this, but my interview was 1 hour long.)

Also, a friend of the family is in her final illness in Flordia, so good thoughts for a peaceful passing would be much appreciated for my Auntie Del.

Good thoughts for Auntie Del and job~ma for Sparky!