standing up for yourself and surrounding yourself with good people is fantastic.

I spent a lot of money on therapy to discover that I lacked the skill of setting boundaries. And then I spent even more money learning how to set them. And even though Joe was the one who set them in this scenario, I'm still gonna call it a personal victory.

Also, saying "I'm ignoring you" means she is unclear on the concept.

I ::heart:: Ginger

Aw Empress, that's rough. I very recently had a very similar absolute end to a friendship. It was only five years (weird to say "only" about any friendship). And its hard.

MFNLaw had a front row seat for the final ugly year. It's been helpful having someone who sees it had become untenable, who can hardly believe there was ever a good part. When the hard parts come -- which so far mean mutual friends and activities -- her reminders that I did the right thing help me through.

I'm sorry the friendship reached a point where it needed ending, Aimee. Even when they've turned toxic, it can be hard to do.

Aims, is this the same friend from the restaurant situation recently?

No - different friend.

...

Wow. I'm beginning to understand Joe's want to move away.

I don't know about moving, but you definitely deserve better friends. Thank goodness you have us.

Thank goodness, indeed!

We have tried to make it right. I don't think she has ever gotten over it - can't blame her. We did a shitty thing. But we have tried SO HARD. And maybe it could never be fixed.

I won't excuse you. (I love you even if you aren't perfect all the time.) This is not all on you, as you have realized. Part of our responsibility to ourselves as well as to those who have wronged us is to set appropriate boundaries for the relationship after a wrong, and after an apology. You fucked up. You realized it and apologized and tried to make amends. That much is your job. S and J have the responsibility to decide whether to accept the apology or not, and to decide what boundaries to set for restoration for your relationship (i.e. what kind of relationship the four of you can have after the offense). It is reasonable for them to say "thank you for apologizing, we are trying to forgive, but from now on we want no contact/civility but no intimacy/working toward restoring the old trust/whatever level is right for them. The offense that you committed does not give them a lifetime pass at being assholes to you. This half-assed resentment bur partial forgiveness is wrong to the point of ... well, keeping score is never a winning game in any kind of relationship. But it is a wrong on a par with the original offense. It's a little like when there has been infidelity in a marriage - it is no easy thing to forgive, it takes time, but there comes a point where the one who got cheated on either has to choose divorce or full and complete forgiveness. To hang on to the resentment and continually throw it back in the cheater's face is every bit as destructive to the faith of the marriage as it is to have an affair in the first place.

In short, maybe you couldn't fix what you broke, but S and J had the responsibility to forgive or not and they fell down on the job.

I'm sorry, Aims. That's a deeply unpleasant situation.

Sorry to derail, but an actual big wedding problem came to light tonight, and I'm trying to not kill someone in a fit of raaaaaaaaage.

We're getting married at a B&B close to our house. The general geographic area has a rich history as part of the Underground Railroad, and the B&B itself is old and was part of the Railroad. Which is cool as hell.

The owner of the B&B has told us all along that we can show up at 2 p.m. the day of the wedding to set up, and that her staff will have the patio set up for the ceremony (chairs, etc.) and the dining room set for dinner. We have to have 2 dining tables in the parlor next to the dining room in order to fit everyone. There's a lot of fancy furniture and some historical decorations in the parlor, but the owner told us that her staff just moves the furniture elsewhere and puts in dining tables as needed.

This is all fine. We've been planning to get there at 2:00, my family is getting there at 2:00, some of Tim's family is coming at 2:30 to help with setup. Tim and I have to start getting ready at 3:00-ish for photos, which start at 4:00. We don't have a TON to do in terms of setup, so it should work out fine. The cupcakes will be delivered sometime between 2 and 3.

So. SO. I'm casually reading the weekly neighborhood e-mail, which describes upcoming events, among other things.

On September 21 (does that date sound familiar???), there's a big tour of the area regarding the Underground Railroad. Not only is the B&B a stop on the tour (people are invited to tour the house), but the proprietors will be selling food at the B&B during the event, which goes from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

She fucking double-booked the place and didn't tell us. Instead, she's been telling us all along that we can show up at 2:00 to get ready (several times she chirped "You can show up even earlier if you want!"), and that her staff will have everything set up.

Now, maybe all the chairs and the tent on the patio will be set up ahead of time. Maybe the dining room will be set up. But what, exactly, is on the tour of the house? One room? The entry hall? Because if the bedrooms are on the tour, that's not going to work when I start getting dressed at 3:00.

Maybe I'm worried for nothing. But I think it's REALLY fucking shady to double-book her place and not even give us a heads-up. Maybe she really thinks that the 2 events can overlap, and since the ceremony time isn't until 5:30, there'll be plenty of time to get everything ready.

But I can guarantee you (having done a little research) that this tour was planned -- and the date chosen -- BEFORE we ever went to the B&B to check it out. And she didn't mention a word to us.

We had a tasting dinner there in late July to pick the menu, and at that time we discussed the timeline of the day, and she didn't mention a single thing about this tour. Not one.

Tim's concern is that the tour goes until 4:00, and the cupcakes are being delivered between 2 and 3, and he thinks people on the tour will eat them, because the B&B is, in fact, serving refreshments as part of the tour. He's planning to make a large sign (or 2) to put up blocking the cupcakes that says "These are for A WEDDING. DO NOT TOUCH."

I'm just at such a fucking loss. How do you DO that and not tell your customer??? I feel like they need to knock a portion off our final bill, because we signed that contract in good faith that the venue wouldn't be double-booked.

(Continued in next post because I am verbose)