I'm having some sort of technical problem that keeps eating my heartfelt post. Feh.

Aims, it is hard to lose a friend who isn't even the friend she was when you became friends. (I think I said that right). But regardless, standing up for yourself and surrounding yourself with good people is fantastic.

So, CJ is home. And pissed that I touched anything in his room. Yes, I respect your space but it has been months of me asking you to clean it and you ditched out on it when I wasn't home. Your welcome for all the clean laundry. Oh, and I'm the parent, you are the kid. Live with it.

standing up for yourself and surrounding yourself with good people is fantastic.

I spent a lot of money on therapy to discover that I lacked the skill of setting boundaries. And then I spent even more money learning how to set them. And even though Joe was the one who set them in this scenario, I'm still gonna call it a personal victory.

Also, saying "I'm ignoring you" means she is unclear on the concept.

I ::heart:: Ginger

Aw Empress, that's rough. I very recently had a very similar absolute end to a friendship. It was only five years (weird to say "only" about any friendship). And its hard.

MFNLaw had a front row seat for the final ugly year. It's been helpful having someone who sees it had become untenable, who can hardly believe there was ever a good part. When the hard parts come -- which so far mean mutual friends and activities -- her reminders that I did the right thing help me through.

I'm sorry the friendship reached a point where it needed ending, Aimee. Even when they've turned toxic, it can be hard to do.

Aims, is this the same friend from the restaurant situation recently?

No - different friend.

...

Wow. I'm beginning to understand Joe's want to move away.

I don't know about moving, but you definitely deserve better friends. Thank goodness you have us.

Thank goodness, indeed!

We have tried to make it right. I don't think she has ever gotten over it - can't blame her. We did a shitty thing. But we have tried SO HARD. And maybe it could never be fixed.

I won't excuse you. (I love you even if you aren't perfect all the time.) This is not all on you, as you have realized. Part of our responsibility to ourselves as well as to those who have wronged us is to set appropriate boundaries for the relationship after a wrong, and after an apology. You fucked up. You realized it and apologized and tried to make amends. That much is your job. S and J have the responsibility to decide whether to accept the apology or not, and to decide what boundaries to set for restoration for your relationship (i.e. what kind of relationship the four of you can have after the offense). It is reasonable for them to say "thank you for apologizing, we are trying to forgive, but from now on we want no contact/civility but no intimacy/working toward restoring the old trust/whatever level is right for them. The offense that you committed does not give them a lifetime pass at being assholes to you. This half-assed resentment bur partial forgiveness is wrong to the point of ... well, keeping score is never a winning game in any kind of relationship. But it is a wrong on a par with the original offense. It's a little like when there has been infidelity in a marriage - it is no easy thing to forgive, it takes time, but there comes a point where the one who got cheated on either has to choose divorce or full and complete forgiveness. To hang on to the resentment and continually throw it back in the cheater's face is every bit as destructive to the faith of the marriage as it is to have an affair in the first place.

In short, maybe you couldn't fix what you broke, but S and J had the responsibility to forgive or not and they fell down on the job.