assholes are incredibly adept and finding people they can take advantage of.

Bingo. And (speaking from some similar personal experiences) if you're not a person who doesn't inherently and automatically look for people who can be taken advantage of, it's difficult to recognize right away when people are doing that to you. You're being friendly and helpful, because that's what you do, because that's what good people do. It's not your fault that other people are jerks.

Oh Ginger, I'm so sorry.

Bingo. And (speaking from some similar personal experiences) if you're not a person who doesn't inherently and automatically look for people who can be taken advantage of, it's difficult to recognize right away when people are doing that to you. You're being friendly and helpful, because that's what you do, because that's what good people do. It's not your fault that other people are jerks.

One upshot of this recent naval gazing is the recognition that I was never as bad a person as I thought I was...at any given point in my life.

Thanks for saying it's not my fault but there are two truths that spring from this patterned experience...I am somehow training people to treat me this way.

I'm not blaming myself, but observing the ipso facto rule. Since not everyone experiences this phenomenon, but I have consistent experience of it, there must be some attracting function I am not yet aware of.

The other thing is, it may not be my fault, but it is definitely a pothole in my life.

I've realized that my biggest problem is not so much money or health, but discouragement. Without doubt, it is my biggest...what is infinitely bigger than a stumbling block?

So, I come to this conclusion, and then, in rapid succession I get a three enormous reasons to be discouraged.

I can't seem to learn how to overcome it while simultaneously drowning in it.

bonny, I'd say it's not that you're training people, per se. It's more that people need someone to help them out, they look around and see that so-and-so is a "helper". You just need what I call "the gift of 'no'". I "received" the gift of 'no' at a church I used to go to. I was a volunteer with the youth group, and helped out in the nursery sometimes, did some drama, etc, etc. One day somebody asked me to help out with something else (I think it was creating a booth for a fair - not working at it, creating it, theme, decor, everything) - for a second I started re-arranging my schedule in my head, then I realized I just couldn't practically do it. So I told her no, and after a second of ENORMOUS guilt, I felt Such Relief. And I realized that it didn't make me bad person, I just had to know where my boundary was. And it wasn't that she was a bad person, she just knew that I was a "good helper" and she needed help.

It's not that you're inviting selfish assholes in, it's that people who are selfish assholes know to look around for a "helper". You just need to know your boundaries and respect the fact that you're allowed to put yourself first in your life.

And if that all just came off as self-righteous and know-it-all, please feel free to ignore the words and just embrace the intent (to get you to not beat up on yourself, 'cuz I'd rather no one beat up on bonny - I'm kinda fond of her).

And if that all just came off as self-righteous and know-it-all, please feel free to ignore the words and just embrace the intent (to get you to not beat up on yourself, 'cuz I'd rather no one beat up on bonny - I'm kinda fond of her).

Bless.

Not at all. I truly appreciate the perspective.

The trick I haven't figured out is, where do I draw the line between saying no to everything in order to avoid jerky behavior and actually being a helper?

By agreeing to care for two cats for two days, I had no idea what I would be facing.

The owner intimated this evening that he had no idea the former friend wouldn't be taking care of the cats this weekend. That seems strange, given that they share a yard and she is away, 48 out of 52 weekends a year.

Either way, in agreeing to scoop a pan and fill a bowl, I had no idea I'd be facing an incredibly stressful biohazard.

I have no detector!!

Either way, in agreeing to scoop a pan and fill a bowl, I had no idea I'd be facing an incredibly stressful biohazard.

It's very hard to judge with an unknown quantity, you're right. In this case, I'd say the fact that you were recovering from not-insignificant injuries could have given you an out even if the cats weren't "problem children". Maybe you can create an Inconvenience Scale to judge by - "right on my way home, not too many stairs, a pet I actually like", but if you catch yourself radically rearranging your schedule in your head, trying to figure out how to make it work, maybe it's too much.

And you're still a much nicer person than me, because I very much fear that as soon as I found out they KNEW the cat would do that, I would start leaving the 'gifts' where I found them and just walk carefully. But maybe I'm more of a bitch than you...

P.S. And even as big of a bitch as I may be, I made sure that we warned the neighbor who was keeping an eye on mine when I was out of town - that Ember would probably do that, that it wasn't a comment on her scooping skills, that it didn't mean that she's sick - and not to worry about the rug (an old throw rug that we've written off for this purpose) beyond getting rid of the pile.

P.P.S. I feel the need to clarify this is a litterbox in the garage - we don't have a poopy rug in the house!

Practical advice: Almost never a need to say "yes" to anything right away. Next time someone asks you to commit to something, say "let me get home and check my calendar". If you have even the slightest doubt run it by on the board, to get feedback. Even if you know you are going to say yes, maybe run it by so people can suggest conditions.

Oh, very practical, Typo! I especially like, "let me check my calendar" - completely reasonable, but gives you a metaphorical moment to step away and get a little perspective.

That is fantastic advice, Typo. And bonny, for what it's worth, I have to have external sanity checks on taking on obligations or saying yes to things asked of me.

Also: are these people who would do what they are asking of you, for you? Have they done it for others? Have they done anything ever for you? Of any magnitude similar to what they are asking?

One of my friends gets into the situation where people have her fix their computers. She is good at it, likes to do it , but it can eat her weekend. And a lot of people drop by 'desperate' . My suggestion was that she tell people that it might be awhile before she can look at the computer - a week ten day, etc, and that it will be longer to actually fix it.

Maybe with animals, it is simple - you just want to meet them first. the reason - to give you time to think of all the reasons you can 't do it. Too many other jobs, difficult pet, difficult commute, and it gives you time to remember all the right questions , where are the paper towels, what it the preferred liter , preferred foods, who is friendly , who will hide. ect.

I think even when helping people out in non -pet situations - you might want to think what are the reasons not to help some one. Not that you won't help but so you know why you might not want to . I have to go the other way sometimes. - remember the good reasons to do something...