Sammie's eleven. There are a few years yet before I come to the real end of the rope.

I just can't bear the idea of being imprisoned in this horrifying thing any longer than I have to. I know I am not supposed to say or think that. But the truth is that I think it whether or not I allow myself to say it. Telling me to fight those thoughts is not effective.

Andi, you contribute so much kindness and loving support in this thread. I only wish I could express how much I value your presence. I wish I was closer to give you hugs.

I echo everything said, Andi, and I resonate at least a little with where your heart is now.

I love my life and my people and my dog and my work and my neighborhood and this community, and, and, and, still I don't relish the idea of being around for as long as many people seem to want to.

The truth is though, each time I think, "This is it. I'm done", I somehow get past it and there is something of value in the next moment.

Just recently, it was Neil Gaiman's "Make good art...2 out of 3 is enough" speech that made me smile and think, "Heh. Okay. I guess I can do this for now."

That's all you really need, Dear One...this minute. In the next minute, and for every minute that you find useful, we'll be here.

Goodness knows, YOU have been here for me. And, while I wish I could take the weight from your heart, I know I can't. I can only say that I'll Samwise-Gamgee that weight for as long as you need.

Not sure Samwise would appreciating becoming a verb, but you know what I mean.

Now, see you bring Tolkien into it, and that just puts everything else on its ear.

I've had a few hours of good sleep since previous confession, and things do seem a bit brighter. But I haven't had an unaided* night's sleep in I don't know how long. I've gone off the Wellbutrin and it's funny, in the months since, my thoughts are what you might call darker but the actual urge to set aside some time in my day to punish this body in the here and now is gone.

I love you all for trying to make things better.

And I hate that smonster and anyone else might be in the same area code as me, mental health-wise.

ETA: *Mostly catnip and melatonin supplements. And Sammie seems to know something is up with me - she snuggled and purred at my side for over ten minutes when I went to bed. (usually she snuggles for about 45 seconds then goes to sleep on the corner of the bed by my feet).

Oh, Andi, you are such a kind and loving person, and I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I wish I knew what to say or do to help you.

If this is totally unhelpful, please tell me to just butt out. But I wonder, hearing that you've recently gone off your AD, and knowing the troubles you've had with your doctor in the past, if it might be worthwhile to try to find a new doctor, someone who won't talk down to you or try to shame you, and possibly also to try a new medication? I'm only suggesting more medication because I'm worried about your repeated mentions of suicide, and if there is something in your brain chemistry that is making you feel that way -- something that can be fixed -- then I would think that is worth pursuing. I don't want to lose you; none of us do. The world would be a darker place without you in it.

Realizing all the things Hubby and I would never get to do was/is hard. I think that's one reason turning 50 has been such a kick in the head.

{{{{{Andi}}}}} I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I agree with Kate. A new doctor and different meds may be necessary.

Thanks, but the doctor I had been working with was the one who listened to me about the thyroid stuff but even that was insufficient to get me what I need. I quit going because it is a waste of my resources to keep spending time and money on things that will not get me what I need. And therapy, in any modality, is useless. I have zero interest in learning how to pretend harder that I can have what I want, or that I want what I can have, together with more coping skills for the moment. I have chosen to stop pouring effort into doing things that are not directly related to getting what I want.

If you would find it helpful to have an ear I would be happy to listen via email anytime, not phone because although I love you I don't do phone with anyone!

Andi, I don't know what to say, but I'm thinking of you. Which sounds deeply trite... but I am.