Guys, thanks, truly, but I had no access! None. If I had some available, there's a strong chance I would have stumbled.

It was a choice to not have access. Well done.

I have slept. Also in a change of pattern the horror and stress resulted in me losing 3 pounds in one day. Seriously, it is hard to find an upside.

I am sick at home again. which makes it easier to cope. I just put in my earplugs and sleep.

I've decided for the nonce not to even listen to NPR. because I don't even want to hear his voice. You guys are now my news source.

I will be on Facebook but will hide any pictures of him and won't be reading any articles attached. I just can't face this.

I've been very spotty on FB, even though I weeded out any Trump zealots long ago. I just...I'm not ready to share in everyone else's angst, I guess.

Today I really need to cram on both work and school. Tomorrow I'm having Lasik on one eye. I'm both excited and terrified. Yes, I just bought new glasses, but for years I've been told that the correction I need was within the margin of error for the procedure. But technology has finally caught up with my eyes. YAY!!! But heck - I'm paying people to use an eye speculum on me and then shoot a laser at my face. WTF?

for years I've been told that the correction I need was within the margin of error for the procedure. But technology has finally caught up with my eyes. YAY!!!

Innnteresting! That's also what my eye doc tells me. I should check again when I go for my next exam.

For the first time my eyes seem to be getting bad enough to need something other than the paper thin lenses I have and really only wear for night driving if I remember them. Is it crazy to think about skipping real glasses and going straight to lasik?

Is it crazy to think about skipping real glasses and going straight to lasik?

A guy I used to work with did that. I guess it makes its own sense; instead of getting used to one new thing, then another new thing, just skip straight to the end. I'm still okay with contacts (and not having people shooting a laser at my eye), but I've been in glasses since I was 10 and contacts since I was 21, so I'm already used to them. I have a couple of friends who've done lasik, zero regrets from either of them.

Good luck with your Frikkin' Laser, Suzi!

Super jealous of Cincy F2F!

Congrats, Strix! (And Steph's Bro!)

I've been able to stay on FB more than I expected, just treading cautiously and not hesitating to unfollow as needed. NPR, on the other hand...I haven't been able to listen for months, now I'm afraid it will be years before I can come back.

Yesterday I was fine with FB, but today I can't take it. Of course, I also had therapy this morning and so that massively lowered my ability to read upsetting stuff.

Therapy is so hard, you guys. So much harder than I anticipated. My therapist is (accurately) putting names to what happened in my childhood and I can't handle it. I can't own those names yet. Because I don't want to be that person, the abuse survivor, the trauma survivor. I don't want that to have been my childhood. I liked my old delusional narrative.

I don't want that to have been my childhood.

That's probably the hardest thing that I have to deal with, too, and I'm still not anywhere near to coming to terms with it.

Aw, Steph. Much love to you. I know this is really hard.

Yesterday I was fine with FB, but today I can't take it.

Yeah, yesterday I was able to chime in and support friends where they needed it and such, but today I'm about to shut it down and be done.

I mean, I get it intellectually, and I always have. I've always known how fucked up my childhood was. But I've always spun it into stories, like, ha ha, my wacky dysfunctional family, but hey, I'm fine so it's all good!

And that was my big protective mechanism -- I can't undo the past, so let me make it A Story. But I don't think I can do that any more. And if my protective mechanism is gone, I have to face the ugly reality of it.

My brother, who's further along in therapy than I am, says that owning his childhood and putting a name to the trauma has made him able to work with it in a healthy way. And I get that. And I want to reach that point, too. But today it's so unfuckingbelievably ugly and hard.

And -- I am not making this up -- my mother texted me WHILE I WAS IN THERAPY. All I could do was laugh.