felt so much responsiblity for their parents fwelings/emotions.

oh, askye, right there too. I like the "fwelings" typo! don't hurt their fragile little FWELINGS.

My feelings are pretty fragile too, but somehow stomping on them was okay. Man, look at all this bitter resentment. How do I get this nasty gunk off me.

Oh, therapy, right. Shit.

felt so much responsiblity for their parents fwelings/emotions.

At my last therapy appointment, I launched into a story of my mom's gaslighting and manipulation, and without even pausing followed it with, "But her childhood was really hard because my grandpa was horrific, and I can't imagine what it's like to suddenly be a single parent, and..." and that's about where I caught myself. I can't just describe my mom's horror-show parenting skills without trying to minimize it, that her life was hard, too, so it's understandable she'd be a horror show. Like, not EVEN to my therapist can I describe my mom's horrible parenting without making excuses for it.

I'm the same, Steph. I make excuses for all of them, trying to be fair, trying to not make them look bad. It's hard to accept that someone can be a good person and still hurt me badly, and I'm allowed to talk about how they hurt me without parentheticals and caveats.

I can't be broken right now. Too many people are depending on me.

I am Volans, except not with shiny new name. I don't have the time, and I may never. I am pretty damn aware of my issues and just have to figure it out, or not.

Yeah, time is a large factor for me too.

We pick up our puppy today, and part of me is so excited to get her, and another part of me is terrified (and slightly ashamed) that I'm not going to be able to housebreak or train her. Oh, and the lost sleep. I feel like the biggest tool.

My therapist has to constantly point out to me that whenever I try to talk about how angry I am at my dad I lower my voice and speak in a monotone.

I need to make another appointment with my therapist, but I just haven't felt up to it. And now I'm feeling guilty because I have a great Mom, and yet I still managed to grow up broken.

My therapist has to constantly point out to me that whenever I try to talk about how angry I am at my dad I lower my voice and speak in a monotone.

I think it's goddamn fantastic, though, that you've stuck with therapy even though you have to deal with such awful, ugly stuff.

I think that all of us who are going to therapy are fantastic, as are the people who recognize they probably have stuff to deal with but know they can't do it right now. Choosing to not deal with it right now *is* taking care of yourself, and taking care of yourself is a good thing.

#cheerleader

I think that all of us who are going to therapy are fantastic, as are the people who recognize they probably have stuff to deal with but know they can't do it right now. Choosing to not deal with it right now *is* taking care of yourself, and taking care of yourself is a good thing.

ABSOLUTELY needed repeating.

And put me in the "therapy is hard and I don't want the homework and UGH but stopping in the middle is probably a bad idea" camp. Which reminds me, now that we're back from the UK, I need to call and make another appointment. BOOOOOO.

I think I'm going to tell my boss tomorrow that I'm looking for a new job. I'm going to a thing on Thursday where I need to start networking like hell, and I want him to hear it from me (tiny field in a small town). I also found a local job to apply to, just now, though of course my brain is coming up with all sorts of reasons why I shouldn't apply for it.

It won't be a surprise to him, and will likely be somewhat of a relief, but I still am disappointed that this hasn't worked out better and I feel like I'm letting him down (we've been friends for eight years).

BLAH.

I am trying to write an essay for a job I'm applying for and it is exactly the sort of horn-tooting essay I am shit at writing and can't someone just accept that I am awesome and give me a job that allows me to look at my bank account and pending bills without wanting to cry?

Sucky job goes away in a month (got to spend yesterday training our replacements), but contract gigs don't give severance and losing my income right before the holidays is not great. Esp. because huge medical expenses (but not huge enough for a tax benefit!) = no padding and right now, I am just whining because I need to do it somewhere to bleed it out so I can, you know, write that stupid essay. I hate this. So much.

Also, because it is expensive and not covered, it's going to basically come down to who needs the therapy the most, me or the kid, and the kid will always win, so I'm going to have to quit therapy once hers starts up, barring a job miracle occurring, and BAH. I think I hate everything today. Scratch that, I KNOW I hate everything today.

(In theory, things will suck slightly less when the deferred salary for P gets paid back once their big client has paid them. But even then, still not great.)