Yesterday was a 12 hour work day plus 2 hours of school work. Today I'm in my 14th hour and really should be editing a paper, but that will have to be done tomorrow. Big deadline that I refuse to miss, but dang, I can't do this on a regular basis. Thankfully this is unusual for me.

OK. DONE for tonight. Tomorrow is going to take some hustle, but (knock wood), I may make it.

Ugh. Was feeling fine all day, went and ran, did a bit of hair bleaching, realized I was still awake and it was after 9pm so decided to go dance. Show up, sit around for a couple songs, ask one guy to dance. And sit some more. Ask a woman to dance who is a Facebook friend, she turned me down. Sit a couple more songs. Another friend asks me to dance. Sit a couple more songs. By 10 songs in, having danced all of twice, I suddenly was so depressed I was about to cry, and had to leave. Big waste of a $10 entrance fee. :( sigh.

Apparently making an appointment with a therapist makes me feel *worse,* like I'm broken and nonfunctional. At least that's how I feel today.

The good thing about working from home is that I can still get work done at the same time that I'm crying. Because it seems that's my plan for the day: just cry all freaking day. Woo.

Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm glad you have your own space to feel how you're feeling. Maybe you can reward yourself tonight with something fun/delicious/both?

Steph I understand. Be kind to yourself.

So as far as I know there is no major properate damage to any of my family's homes or cars. Power outages which for dad means no water but everyone is ok.

Well we don't know about the beach cottage.

I'm surviving the doctors appointment. No ear infection. It may be tooth related but my mouth looked ok. Might be a virus.

Also I made the mistake of eating l. I wasn't going to but I blanked. I have to come back and get screened for diabetes. If it's not that I have neuropathy fir no known reason.

This feeds into my anxiety and fears and also makes me feel irresponsible and other negative things.

I just need everything to stop. To be clear, I don't mean my life, or anything. I just need all the ridiculous bullshit to stop, because I can't take one more thing. I'm trying to fix a work problem that I didn't even cause. I don't KNOW how to fix it because I'm not the one who broke it.

Oh my god, I'm doing so badly today. I can't be like this. I'm trying SO hard to not be like this around Tim, because he is having a hard enough time dealing with all of his health stuff. He's really stressed and worried (understandably so), and I cannot add my bullshit on top of that. That is incredibly unfair to ask him to deal with my bullshit when he already has too much to cope with.

So I don't know what to do with all this. But it's not good. It's very bad.