Oh, Happy Birthday to a Darling Girl! And Felicitations to the whole Cup Family!

I heart this.

Happy Birthday Little Teacup! (I'm still a Little Teapot. We should totally hang out.)

I'm popping in for some hivemind thoughts.

So. This friend of mine who is, as far as I know, a good and decent fellow, is currently sleeping in my living room.

He went on a grand adventure tour of the country on his motorcycle for a few months and left his old car with me. I rarely drive, but he wanted someone to take care of it, so I did.

When he got back, he dropped from the sky and landed on my doorstep with a casual mention that he had nowhere to stay because our mutual friend, with whom I thought this friend would live until he gets back on his feet, was out of town.

He stayed for three days and then went off to visit someone else where, again, I thought he could stay until...Both of these other places are houses with separate space for guests.

Friend has been coming by to help me with little things related to my own housing struggles, which I won't go into here.

Yesterday, he drops into conversation that he has been living in his car (the one with no a/c) for the last couple of weeks. "In the Walmart parking lot."

It's dangerously hot here. Like WAY hot, so I told him to stay last night.

He hasn't woken up yet, and I suspect he needs sleep more than I need to make noise.

He is clearly depressed, and has a therapist he has not seen. He is in program but is not going to meetings. He qualifies for unemployment, but has not applied.

I've coached him as much as I can, including strategies for reaching out to his family...most of whom he does not connect with well.

There are resources for him. I, personally, cannot support him.

Ideas for quick resources?

I really don't want him to end up in the shelter system, but I'm a bit flummoxed.

Ugh, Bonny, not good for either of you. Obviously he needs to get back on track in many ways. Tough love mothering to make him take responsibility? Making him make the lists of options to examine in detail? No idea on what actual resources are available.

When depression or other challenges fox someone's executive functioning, it really makes things exponentially harder, doesn't it? Unfortunately the only tool I have for helping someone else's executive function is "let's do it together". Sometimes once they get moving, they can keep moving. Sometimes it's more like you have to do it all for them, dragging them along for the ride. But it's one thing when my role in someone's life is as paid caregiver, and another entirely when you have a guy crashing on your sofa.

bonny, people used to crash-land in my yuge old house all the time. I was soft-hearted and bad at setting boundaries. It's really hard to hear "I don't have anywhere else to go!" and not feel like you need to help. But the problems that brought them to this point aren't going to go away because you gave them crash space. You're not his mom or his girlfriend or his therapist, it's not your job to prop up his collapsing life, and it's unreasonable to ask you to. He almost certainly has mental/emotional problems, but can you realistically help him with that, right here right now? You can try helping, tough love or whatever, but realize that the more you engage with his problems, the harder it will be to pull away, and the harder he'll try to hold on to you. My advice is, don't set yourself up as his caretaker. You've taken care of his car and given him crash space (and probably food), and you've coached him as much as you can. You're done, and he needs to leave. He has other people he can stay with. There are homeless shelters in DC. He CAN live in his car, which is miserable but he's already done it and survived. He is not the bleeding victim on the roadside, you don't have to be the Good Samaritan. He survived his grand tour on his motorcycle, he can find a place to stay. He has other options than your couch; if he doesn't want to consider those options, that is not your problem. And if he's helping you with other things, maybe you need to reconsider that also; you may be setting yourself up for obligations to a black hole of need.

Needy people will grasp whichever rock appears first, and they're too scared to let go. Don't be the rock for someone you don't want in your life for a very long time. It's a lovely thought, that you can lend a hand and help get someone back on his feet, but it usually doesn't play out that way, instead of standing up they become a barnacle you have to pry off.

Zen needs a Like button.

I truly appreciate the support.

I took a composite approach...gentle tough love, plus you need to leave, plus let's email someone you can stay with now...and a small loan.

I hope I see the $50 again...he needed it to do a title transfer to get a title (read: predatory) loan on the motorcycle. If I don't, I will consider it a miniscule return on the amazing largesse I have received in my life.

No more mutual favors. His 'doing for me' involved hanging out at my house as a buffer between me and the landlord. That was useful, but I have healthier options for that.

The feeling I have now surprises me some. I am neither regretful nor relieved. I just really do wish him well.

Thanks so much for your thoughts!

Mom came home and said she talked to Dad. Dad called her and had questions about when G'ma (Mom's mother died).

Grandma E (Dad's mom) has been having bad stomach pains and they went to the ER. The doctors couldn't find anything but kidney stones and some blood in her urine sot hey aren't sure.

But she kept saying "I'm terminal" and that she wanted family to be their for my Aunt (that Grandma E lives with) And then she seemed better (this was last night i guess) and they went home. But she's having pains again and is back at the hospital.

Mom told me so Dad wouldn't have to tell me or my brother and call his brothers about what was going on.

The thing is my great grandmother knew. I don't remember the story but she knew when she was going to die and so now I'm worried.

But Grandma E also has dementia so she may be confused ... I don't know.

Just.. I guess generalized ~ma would be good.

Kidney stones can be very painful and it isn't unusual for the elderly to equate going to the hospital with dying. My mom always thinks she isn't going to get to go home. It is super hard on the family for sure. Lots of ~ma for all.

There's a big struggle keeping Grandma E inside and hydrated. She has a compulsion to "weed" (pull up grass) and she can't tell how hot it is so she'll get over heated. And of course if you give her water she'll sip on it and not drink all of it unless there's some prompting.

Edited I'm also kinda worried that her fear/belief will push things. And I'm selfish I want her around.