Steph, gettimg freaked out is pretty much the rational reaction to news like that. I'm sorry that you have such scary news to deal with. Much love and ~ma for you both.

askye, have you ever been drawn to stimming behaviors? I know some teachers and parents try to discourage this kind of activity, more so in the past, but there are places that sell safely designed stimming toys. And I was wondering if stimming might help you channel some of your anxiety and stress feelings to head off a meltdown.

Teppy, freaking out is completely normal. Tons of ~ma for you and Tim. Did the doctor say whether or not the freaky lung collapse a while back was related?

I stim. I realized I've repressed a lot of it becasue I knew it was "weird" or did thigns when I was by myself. But I've been more open about stimming.

One reason I like my hair short is that it's easier to run my hand over my head (one of my stims) but this is something that Mom calls out because it looks bad . I also flick my fingers aginst my thumb or scrape my thumb over my ring finger, like I'm flipping a ring around in circles (those are pretty subtle).

And there's something else I do that's kind of a stim. Sort of. I put my hands on my hips and will slip my fingers inside the waistband of my pants or skirt. Which I know looks weird, but the feeling of the band against my fingers feels.. anchoring or something. And if I'm sitting down at home sometimes I'll do something similar to what Ed Bundy did in Married with Children (I don't put my hand down my pants just so I feel the waistband around my first set of knuckles) but that I have to hide. I've tired to explain it to Mom and I got - one time "You never used to do anything like that" (yes I did actualy you just never saw) and then a couple weeks ago "I'm sorry but that just looks WEIRD" So now I'm really careful about what I do when she's around because it adds more stress.

Watching the DNC on tv and listening to some of the speeches I did happy things-- shaking my arms and wiggling. I almost did that during the movie today but I caught myself. Only because of Mom if I had been alone I wouldn't have cared and just done it any way.

Soooo after that TMI

I haven't seen any stim toys that really just grab me. I have to find something that will work for me.

edited - I should get a cool ring to wear.

I tend to turn to my iPhone when I'm very anxious, which I know people consider it rude. But sometimes I just have to escape for a minute.

Steph, mucho ~ma for Tim. And chill ~ma, for you. (Perfectly reasonable thing to be anxious over, but I'm sure you'd like to be calm for him).

I do have spotify and I put on Hamilton and earbuds and listened to that some but then I had to answer some questions.

I had a "calm down" play list but I need to rework it and add Hamilton.

Also saw a preview for Moana trailer and I cheered when I saw LMM's name.

Steph, I'm sorry about the bad news. I know not really knowing is the worst...I hope you get in for a consult quickly and that it's the best possible scenario.

askye, this outfit has a couple of spinner ring designs [link] plus a variety of other items.

I hope whatever pulmonary issue they've found is manageable, Steph.

It must be early or Tim would have already had symptoms of lung issues.

Other than the collapsed lung last year (see below), yeah, he really hasn't had any other symptoms. I asked him tonight if walking the 5K or the 1-mile was strenuous (to be clear, in the 5K, we did a 20-minute mile, and the 1-mile was about a 16:40 mile because it was cold AF out there, so we certainly weren't hauling ass and suuuuuper exerting ourselves), and he said not really -- it just felt like exerting himself at more than a lazy amble.

His primary-care doctor is the one who wanted to send him for the pulmonary function tests, I guess because Tim had reported pain on the right side of his chest, AND his primary-care doctor knows about the RA diagnosis and last year's collapsed lung, so he wanted to be proactive. (I thought that the results would be normal but would provide a good baseline for future comparisons down the road. Damn it.)

Did the doctor say whether or not the freaky lung collapse a while back was related?

There's no way to know 100%, but it's entirely possible. Collapsed lung is a known complication of RA, and it only happened a year ago (he's been having symptoms of RA for close to 3 years, so since the RA probably started first, the collapsed lung could be related).

So, Tim came home and I told him that the doctor called and said the test results indicate rheumatoid lung disease, and I googled and flipped out. He was...taken aback, but not upset like I am. Or even worried. Frustrated, mostly. Plus, he said that the technician who did the tests told him his results were good (though, I think, she didn't say that after *every* test.)

Then he checked the website that has all his medical stuff and his primary care doctor sent a message with a garble of test results (they weren't formatted into a table, so I cannot make sense out of them) and then at the end said "Tests show slightly reduced lung capacity that could indicate rheumatic lung disease."

"Slightly" and "could" are EXCELLENT words here. Of course, they aren't actually a diagnosis or a guarantee. Tim says that he thinks his primary-care doctor is being proactive as hell, (as opposed to diagnosing horrible fatal lung fibrosis) which is something his doctor does -- acts proactively, that is -- which is a very good thing, no question.

Tim had a chest x-ray within the last 4-5 months, and his rheumatologist saw the results and they didn't raise any concern for him. So I'm hoping this is...I don't know. "Best" case is that he just has baseline reduced lung function for a man his age, for no reason other than that's just what his lung function is.

I'm trying SUPER hard to not think about the worst case at this point.

I took an Ativan before Tim got home, so I'm more chill but still low-key worried AF. And he had to go back to work to wrap some stuff up (which is okay, because I need to finish some stuff up, too).

I love you guys. Thanks for being here. Please keep your fingers crossed that he just has lazy slacker lungs and no actual disease process. I need to keep him around.

t edit I keep typing "collapsed LUNCH" instead of "lung". That would be a horrible thing.