So I am sitting here in the hard plastic hospital chair watching my mom and step-dad snore. Using his slow laptop. I had come over on Saturday for my sister's birthday not planning to stay more than the weekend and when I arrived she told me Mom had just gone to the hospital.

Several things going on. She was admitted for chest pain, but the source not really determined though it has subsided. So many tests. No cardiac event. All clear there, except her pulse was in the 40s and 30s which causes concern and bells on the monitors. They decided a couple of the heart meds she has taken for years cause decreased heart rate so they stopped them. Got up to the 50s a couple times today. Obviously still have to pay attention there. Then they aren't sure whether her pneumonia from a couple weeks ago is gone or not or if it is just scar tissue on the x-ray. So more drugs for that. Then they did a swallow test because they think she may be aspirating food/fluid into her lungs perhaps due to her curvature. Yeah, there is a pocket there causing that issue, so PT to learn how to eat/talk/swallow to best avoid issues.

Short version: if you are going to live to 90-100 or so it gets complex. I think she will be okay and released and stuff. Also the doctor that basically told her "what do you expect at your age" is super lucky DH wasn't here or his jaw would be broken. The rest of the doctors and staff have been great.

Epic, my thoughts have been with you all day. So much ~ma.

Wow, Laura. ~ma your way.

That sounds pretty good, Zen.

Health~ma for your mom too, Laura! It's Mothers Stay Out of the Hospital Day.

THE MAN I MARRIED IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA.

YOU ARE THE BRIDE OF WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA.

Lots of ~ma for your mom, Laura.

Lots of ~ma for your mom, Laura

Well. That mindfulness session was not what I expected. It was much more like talk therapy. No meditation or floor sitting or chiming gongs involved.

Zen, that's not what I would have expected either. I hope it was productive .

I feel like it was productive. Maybe because this lady isn't a therapist per se, she's a Nurse Practitioner who's moved her specialty from women's health to this holistic "treating the whole person" newfangled deal. So instead of me talking to someone who's just listening and occasionally saying something kinda helpful, she's engaged and responding normally, and it felt more like a conversation with a human than the wailing into a dispassionate void that therapy usually feels like to me. Does that make sense?

In my job, we are starting to make a training course for NPs on this sort of thing. I played a patient in a scenario we videotaped, and she ( the NP) was amazing. Since we were improving, I was actually talking about my real issues, although I was playing someone much more reluctant to talk, but I felt like she was really listening and respond Ning to me, mote than I had with a therapist.

fascinating, maybe our model of therapy needs updating

Now I'm wondering, why don't I measure my success or failure in life by what I have accomplished instead of by what I have not accomplished? What if I said, I don't care if I'm ever any skinnier than this, it's not worth it to me to put in the energy to accomplish that. That would be a valid decision. It's up to me to decide what's important in my life to accomplish. I don't owe anyone a nicer house or a body that looks a certain way. I want those things for myself but why do I feel like everything else I've accomplished means nothing if I'm fat and my house is dirty? I've done a lot. I've got almost everything I ever wanted. My life is the way I made it. Why do I feel like a failure with a wasted life? There are things I want that I haven't got yet but "yet" matters. I could have them if I went after them. Why focus all my energy instead on something that seems impossible yet isn't really the most important thing? Am I distracting myself or sabotaging myself? Can I stop?

I should be asleep. Sorry. Just wanted to get my thoughts out there.