Lots of ~ma for your mom, Laura

Well. That mindfulness session was not what I expected. It was much more like talk therapy. No meditation or floor sitting or chiming gongs involved.

Zen, that's not what I would have expected either. I hope it was productive .

I feel like it was productive. Maybe because this lady isn't a therapist per se, she's a Nurse Practitioner who's moved her specialty from women's health to this holistic "treating the whole person" newfangled deal. So instead of me talking to someone who's just listening and occasionally saying something kinda helpful, she's engaged and responding normally, and it felt more like a conversation with a human than the wailing into a dispassionate void that therapy usually feels like to me. Does that make sense?

In my job, we are starting to make a training course for NPs on this sort of thing. I played a patient in a scenario we videotaped, and she ( the NP) was amazing. Since we were improving, I was actually talking about my real issues, although I was playing someone much more reluctant to talk, but I felt like she was really listening and respond Ning to me, mote than I had with a therapist.

fascinating, maybe our model of therapy needs updating

Now I'm wondering, why don't I measure my success or failure in life by what I have accomplished instead of by what I have not accomplished? What if I said, I don't care if I'm ever any skinnier than this, it's not worth it to me to put in the energy to accomplish that. That would be a valid decision. It's up to me to decide what's important in my life to accomplish. I don't owe anyone a nicer house or a body that looks a certain way. I want those things for myself but why do I feel like everything else I've accomplished means nothing if I'm fat and my house is dirty? I've done a lot. I've got almost everything I ever wanted. My life is the way I made it. Why do I feel like a failure with a wasted life? There are things I want that I haven't got yet but "yet" matters. I could have them if I went after them. Why focus all my energy instead on something that seems impossible yet isn't really the most important thing? Am I distracting myself or sabotaging myself? Can I stop?

I should be asleep. Sorry. Just wanted to get my thoughts out there.

There are things I want that I haven't got yet but "yet" matters. I could have them if I went after them. Why focus all my energy instead on something that seems impossible yet isn't really the most important thing?

That's an interesting point. We can't do everything we're capable of in this life, so we should do the things that will make us happy in the world we have. I could spend hours and hours fighting off the weight, but it'll take years, and I'd want to spend time reading and I'd feel guilty if I did read. I'd rather read.

sending out the ma~~~ Epic

There is more but allergies ate my brain

I'm so glad that my cousin's wife is in labor, but I've been getting group texts since 6:45 AM. Thank goodness I can mute my phone.

I think that's a good way to think, Zen.

Zen, I could definitely use to shift my thinking in that way.

I went to bed at 8 pm last night with a headache. ltc amazingly slept through the night. So, I slept as well, but I still woke up this morning with the same damn headache.

Today is the first day of our farmer's market for the season. It is 47 F and raining. I may still go if it warms up a bit to get cheese, ice cream, and bread. There is never much in terms of veg at this time of year.