therefore a brand new gift was destroyed

nooooooooo! It sounds like she thoroughly enjoyed her gift! And, also, she doesn't need 100% of your attention when she's safely positioned and occupied! You get to give your attention to things other than your baby and still be an awesome parent.

And, ugh, for everyone having a hard time. Depression is a motherfucker.

I am sorry that it is so hard, Zen. It's not fair that there's no way to really slough off your load once in a while and let someone else carry it for you. We are here for you, even if we can't necessarily carry it for you.

And sj, you are a wonderful parent. Chewing holes in books is one of those things kids do, especially when there's a book handy. Another way to look at it is you've just hit a new parenting milestone.

Thanks. Most of the time I feel I'm doing okay as a parent, but every once in a while I feel waves of guilt that this beautiful, sweet baby girl is stuck with me for a parent.

"Maybe life is this hard ALL THE TIME, but some people don't notice. Or maybe we're just made wrong, and there's nothing to be done about it."

Yeah. I think we're made wrong, unfortunately. I'm still hoping there's something to be done about it, but it's a fading hope.

I am feeling guilty that I wasn't giving her 100% of my attention and therefore a brand new gift was destroyed.

It's not destroyed! The book was never meant to remain pristine, right? If you had noticed, you'd have taken it away, and then ltc wouldn't have had the sublime experience of chewing a hole in a book. In ten years you won't care about a perfectly preserved book, but you'll look at this baby-chewed book and go, aww, I remember when you chewed this hole in this book! and she'll say MOOOOM UGH and you'll laugh.

this beautiful, sweet baby girl is stuck with me for a parent.

Speaking as the child of kinda crappy parents, ltc is SO LUCKY. Really.

(Love you, mom, but seriously.)

Thanks for the support, guys. It does help to know I'm not the only one having these problems. That's probably the worst of it, the feeling that everyone else is normal except me.

I'm making an appointment with a new doctor right now. We shall see what happens.

Good luck!

I hope the doctor can help, Zenkitty. Life shouldn't be that hard. If you don't mind a suggestion, maybe cut and paste your description of the problem as well as your description of what you're looking for in the way of a normal life into a file and print them out to take to the doctor? Because you've articulated the situation pretty well here, and it might be good for helping the doctor understand the situation. While doctors should be able to get things from listening to people, given the nature of their jobs, sometimes things stick better if they're in print.

I tried to post this about an hour ago, but my Internet was wonky as hell. Surprisingly, calling tech support worked, instead of their usual "Did you unplug it and plug it in again? You did? Are you SURE?" Anyway...

Zen, I know what I'm about to mention is one more task, and those feel fucking insurmountable when the prison-bear is at its worst, but I'll mention it anyway: it might be worthwhile finding a doctor who can do genetic testing to find out which one(s) would actually work. (Granted, that doesn't address the side effects, but if the SSRIs don't work, there has to be a way to sort out which ones might. One of the new ones might work well.)

Like I said, I know finding such a doctor is adding another task to what already feels overwhelming, but I thought I'd throw that idea out there.

might talk about executive function as well as depression, because I can't seem to accomplish anything

Now for Emily (hi, Emily!): depression will fuck with executive function hard, though that doesn't mean you don't have executive function issues that are unrelated to depression.

now I'm dealing with an emotional roller coaster again.

Now for sj: hormones will screw mightily with your mood; that's why all the jokes about PMS are more or less true. If it's hormone-related, I wonder if hormonal birth control would help.