I've told this story before, but years ago I did an article about an extremely premature baby. The baby had just come home and was attached to a heart monitor. In the middle of the night, the monitor alarm went off and the parents rushed in to find the monitor was detached. After a few nights of this, they put in a camera, which caught this tiny baby very deliberately pulling off the monitor, having learned that people would rush in and fuss over her.

Can you talk through some of this with your brother when he's here? Maybe he'll step up and if he doesn't, at least he'll know how guilty he should feel. You can always talk through it with us.

Can you talk through some of this with your brother when he's here? Maybe he'll step up and if he doesn't, at least he'll know how guilty he should feel. You can always talk through it with us.

Assuming this is for me. I've spoken with my brother. He's pretty clear about the limits of what help he'll provide. He's who I kept thinking of reading that Metafilter article somebody linked a week or two ago. He not only doesn't want to be a "caring nurturer", he doesn't grok the necessity of it. I was talking with him last night and I guess we kind of concluded that he and I have different levels of what amount of inconvenience we'll endure to provide comfort to her. I say she gets miserable if somebody doesn't visit her pretty much every day, he doesn't think it's necessary to visit every day (or week, sometimes) if it puts him out much.

And then there's the issue of the house. Mom lives with me, in the house we grew up in. She always wanted us to both inherit it, despite the fact that I've been the "helper" for a couple of decades now. But she had to put me on the deed to qualify for a refi a few years back, so it's just going to be mine. By that time she came around to being okay with it coming to just me, because of the level of care that's been increasing year over year. But he looks at it as it's okay that he's not getting any part of the house (though she has got a little bit of Life Ins for him), because I'm paying for it now.

So now that there's a bit more of a timeclock on it, I think he'll make a little more effort to see her more, but it's pretty clear he's not going to help ME. Not even enough to commit to visiting on a particular day so I can have a night off.

But he looks at it as it's okay that he's not getting any part of the house (though she has got a little bit of Life Ins for him), because I'm paying for it now.

Well, at least he's clear on that. And as much as it sucks, he hasn't given you vague promises of doing "something".

Well, at least he's clear on that. And as much as it sucks, he hasn't given you vague promises of doing "something".

True. As much as I'd like more support, at least there are very few surprises from him.

Part that is going to be exploring going off medication or seriously reducing it.

askye, if what you're doing isn't working, exploring other options is worth it. it's scary, though. But you're brave and smart, you've proved that. You can do what you need to do for yourself, I believe that.

As soon as she was out of our room, she slept and didn't make any attempt to get anyone to pick her up or act in any way like she needed to be fed.

heh heh heh. You guys are so pwned.

Emmett's godmother gave me some of the best advice for new babes, which was: Remember, they just want agency too, like anybody else. And the only way they can control their environment is by crying, or similar behavior which can be exhausting. But they're not trying to wreck your sleep. They're just trying to get a handle on the world.

That's wonderful, and I wish all parents got that advice.

After a few nights of this, they put in a camera, which caught this tiny baby very deliberately pulling off the monitor, having learned that people would rush in and fuss over her.

Awesome.

So I'm scrambling a bit right now to figure out how I'm going to get her some day help while I'm at work and she's at home.

Nursing homes can often recommend home health care providers. The hospital may have someone who can give you some advice or other help, too.

the fine print in the insurance policy, we've got to pay for the first 20 days before the insurance kicks in.

You might be able to get someone at reduced hours for those 20 days to help you out, then increase the hours as needed once the insurance kicks in.

So now that there's a bit more of a timeclock on it, I think he'll make a little more effort to see her more, but it's pretty clear he's not going to help ME.

Trying to find something positive to say, at least he's not promising things and then flaking out at the last minute, which would be worse, and at least he's not going to fight you for the house or the money, which would be horrible. He won't be helping you, but you know where you stand with him.

Today makes three weeks of ridiculous unnecessary stress that have made me seriously consider looking for another job for the first time in 14 years. My boss who always says, if you need help just ask for it! has responded to all my requests for help with nah, you can do it. Well, yes, I can, but I shouldn't have to. I feel like I'm on a raft that's rapidly sinking and my boss is in a boat full of those float rings telling me what a great swimmer I am. I'm hoping this will get better soon, because something's going to have to change, and I really don't want to have to get another job.

Oh Zen, may your manager get hit on the head by the clue fairy.

askye, I hope your meds and your physical and mental health needs get straightened out to the point everybody's on point with what works, what doesn't, and how you can manage.

Francesca Ruth already has a handle on how to get what she wants. You guys better be ready!

Epic, I am so sorry about the circumstances, and I wish your brother had a different grasp of reality and could provide some support for you. As others have said, we're here for you, and any actual concrete help we can be, please ask, because we'd love to provide it. But you have all our emotional backup. Courage and enduring strength to you, for getting through this.

She also just managed to pull off a glove with her mouth. I think she is already way too smart for us.

Buffista babies/kids are going to take over the world!!!

And make it a better more awesome place.

Meanwhile, both my children appear to have forgotten how to sleep.

And, because it deserves a separate post: Epic, I'm so sorry for the news about your mom. May her remaining time be peaceful for her and as easy as possible on you. Sending you strength and love.