Another dream of Hubby last night. This one was unsettling. The cancer had never happened, it was life as I knew it, but I was the person I've become. And I wasn't content to live the way I'd lived before. I feel terribly disloyal realizing that there are many aspects of current life that I find preferable--the complete control over living conditions, the decision making without argument. I'm not going to mention this dream over on the widow board. There are several women who, even four or five years later, continue to long for their old lives, who define themselves by their loss and who say their lives are filled with a sense of waiting, though they don't know what they're waiting for. I truly have sloughed off that layer of myself, it's very disconcerting.

That is of course unsettling, Connie. Also natural. I expect there are others on the widow board going through the same feelings and hesitant to express them. Also, you should enjoy the new freedoms despite hating how they came about. I wish it were easier.

I can see how that would be disconcerting.

Also, you should enjoy the new freedoms despite hating how they came about.

Exactly so. My divorce from EM was one of the worst things i ever experienced and nothing I wanted, but it did open up new freedoms in my life as well. You're not obliged to dwell on the loss, and there's nothing disloyal about living your life facing forward.

Welcome, Francesca Ruth! What a beautiful name (I may be a bit partial to the Ruth: my favorite aunt's name.) C-sections suck for pain, sj; glad they're allowing you good meds for it.

So, in the continuing saga of "When do I get my life back? Please?" - my mom's back in the rehab (her third time) after a hospital stay (her 5th since May). She's been doing physically better, getting stronger, but now she's lost about 2/3 of her vocabulary. She can speak fine, but when she tries to say something, she gets a few words in, then clearly looks like she's struggling to find the word, then sort of trails off. She can repeat a word if you ask her to, but it's like she's lost access to them from her own brain. They've done a head CT and last night an MRI to rule out another stroke, the Dr at the rehab put her on IV fluids to rehydrate her (the hospital's main - sometimes only - goal has been getting fluid off because she was retaining so bad. Apparently they did it too well). She also started on a new anti-convulsant (for the shaking in her limbs) early last week and this new thing came on kinda gradually starting around Thursday - which timing seems AWFULLY coincidental, though the neurologist says it's not likely to be a side effect.

So it's scary as fuck, and I continue to be mentally and emotionally exhausted. I know it's anti-feminist, or anti-strong-single-person, or something, but I keep thinking I really wish I had a husband or a boyfriend so there would be someone taking care of me while I'm taking care of her. I mean, the wish for a life partner's always quietly there in the background, but in the meanwhile I'm doing my thing, living my life. Here lately, the lack of local support is really glaring.

So I'd appreciate all the ~ma you've got.

Thanks for being here, I take comfort from you guys even when I'm not saying anything.

I'm so sorry, Epic. There are quite a few of us who've been there with the ailing parents, like me. We got your back. Feel free to lean.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, Epic. As Burrell mentioned, many here have been or are going through this. It is particularly difficult to manage to take care of you, but necessary because you aren't any good to anyone when exhausted. I hope that the medical staff come up with an effective course of treatment to give both you and your mom the relief you need. Coping~ma in abundance in addition to the health~ma.

Epic, that's so tough. And I find myself in the same boat WRT to wanting a partner, especially when I'm sick or really stressed. I think it's pretty natural to wish one had help and support!

I was on the annual alumni cruise (cheese/wine on a boat for two hours, not like overnight cruise) and one girl I was talking to who is about 35 (I assume, based on when she graduated) said she hired a matchmaker! I was horrified and intrigued.