askye, if it reassures you at all, I had fluid in my middle ear like that, and sudafed and a nasal spray helped it a lot.

I got to the doctor, got antibiotics, drove to Baton Rouge, conducted my interviews, went to Trader Joe's, drove home, did another interview in New Orleans, came home and am now eating TJ's Baconesque Popcorn and chocolate for dinner, watching Friends.

I am so tired.

That helps Steph. I know I only went to the doctor today but damn my ear hurts and I'm tired of feeling like I'm making a step in my health and then something happening.

I wish I could say that this is physical and it's not tied to the mental stuff but it's tied really tight.

Oh and in therapy she wants to work on some of the DBT stuff, even though it's not her specaility. Either something that ties into mmy weekly group or something else I want to. And I have therapy homework to do tomorrow. I should have started it sooner but oh well after work tomorrow.

The first year of mourning is nearly over. I'm trying to avoid memorializing specific days, because I don't want to deal with other people's formalized sympathy, and I can't think of a way to put that without making it sound completely self-centered. Other people feel a loss, other people have legitimate sympathy, and goddess knows how much I've leaned on that sympathy and support. But I don't want people going "Oh, time for a formal observance, let's line up and sign the virtual condolence book." On the other hand, others do find comfort in people gathering around and observing the social rites. I feel bad for not cooperating--though I have the best/worst excuse in the world for not going along. I don't want to shortchange someone else's grieving process by being stand-offish.

That Circles of Grief concept I saw a bit ago is probably a good model to think of on this.

Connie, it is ok to go for what you need, especially while acknowledging that others may have different needs. The whole thing - losing people, losing loved ones, grieving after it - it just sucks.

It's not that you aren't cooperating, you are doing what is best for you. I don't know the right words to say but "I'm not ready for thi yet" should be enough.

So I had a day free of anxiety issues. I didn't have to use coping strategies once! the bad news was it was hot and humid and I spent half my shift drinking water when I wasn't walking up the stair/ladder thing putting away computers.

I did get dizzy from my ear and I was late because I overslept. But I wanted to leave early and I didn't . I also didn't stay late to make up for coming in late but I was wiped out.

Then I realized I have no meds for tomorrow and went to the pharmacy. my psych np forgot to send in the meds request for lithium and lamictal. So I need to call her office tomorrow. In the meantime the pharmacy tech got approval for an emergency 5 day supply .

Oh and I've hit some kind of cap through my insurance, I'm not sure what, because my prescription co pays are zero. I still have ot pay for doctor office copays so I'm not sure what's going on but I'll accept it.

Yay, askye! That all sounds wonderful. Well, all except for the NP not sending in your prescription.

Sometimes I can't deal with other disabled people. Which I know makes me sound like I'm about to go on Fox News and say that Social Security is "classic government overreach" or something like that, but I don't mean it that way. Just sometimes I don't know if it's funny or sad how far off the mark my encounters always are from the fantasy of "Finally, someone who Gets It,"

My mom offered to come to Cincinnati with me for a few days to help make sure everything goes OK with the movers and stuff. I said yes, if she feels like she can do it. She's been having some mobility issues lately. But I would feel better having someone else there, and I know that she'll feel better if she can see where I'm living.