eirka, you aren't wrong about Deray. That man has some serious discipline.

Whereas I accidentally clicked post on a tweet I'd meant to delete. It was one of the snarky ones - I usually read 'em to Daniel then delete and reform a more rational reply. As snark goes, it'll hardly flay the target alive. But Daniel said, "Don't worry about it. No one will notice. It's just the internet." Isn't that like saying "What could go wrong?"

I made it through almost 2 hours of my 4 hour shift and had to come home because of anxiety.

I'm pretty sure I know why. And it's a combination of factors that I'll have to deal with. Well one I won't they redid our store and it was a mess and disorganized in the back and that was an issue and I'm hot. If work in the warehouse I have to figure out something to keep cool.

I feel like I failed. I also feel like I did this on purpose to prove to my therapist I 'm not ready for 3 days of work even though she suggested it and didn't push it.

I wish I had skills to do some job with minimal interaction with people.

Why do places put contact forms on their websites if they don't actually use them? There are two moving companies that have "Click here for a free quote" things on their websites, and you click there and put in your name and contact information and other stuff, and I did both of them on Monday, and neither got back to me. I just called one of them, and they seemed to have no idea that their website even had a page that did that.

Because they used a prepackaged template and have no idea what the fuck they're actually doing.

Oh askye, I'm sorry today was so rough.

I think I need a new therapist. I have a tiny list of therapists that do DBT I just have to call.

And I avoided answering a call from Mom because I dont' want to deal with that either. It's not important or she would have called back.

I like my therapist but I think I need a different approach.

Also have to maek an appointment for cleaning iwth dentist.

Yeah, I literally don't know how he does it. You know what doesn't help, when you're beginning to feel like you've been chasing all the wrong things for years? Your mother telling you "of course, you've had a life! What do you mean when you say you haven't?" It's like her telling you that she's your valentine. Sigh. Really thinking about not sending out my writing anymore...I thought I'd get better and/or stop fearing rejection, but each time it's worse(I even thought "Okay, I'll risk a certain number of rejections and then I'll buy myself something extravagant." But I don't want anything. Not as much as I wanted to see something great with my byline on it.

I can't sleep again. Well I haven't taken my medicine, I'm still processing stuff.

Talked to my psych nurse practitioner. She wanted to see me next week but I won't see her until the 7th. We're going to reduce the Lamictal and then at some point reduce the Ambien.

We talked about what happened today and how I've felt depressed and irritable and stuff. She brought up the Complex PTSD diagnosis again, but this time she explained what symptoms I was having that made her think it was that instead of Bipolar disorder. One of them is that when I get irritated or mad even though I have an extreme reaction (that I don't act on but still have the feelings) it's triggered by something rather than just coming out of the blue.

We also talked about work and she asked me what job I'd like to have and I coulnd't tell her. It's a question I hate because I never feel like I can give a good answer -- work in a library because I like books? My hobbies come and go but no real attachment. And the detachment from myself and also from other people is another thing that she feels points to the diagnosis.

I read the criteria for it and most of it fits but the bipolar fits too. So I don't know. Maybe it's both.

But the DBT will help and I was kinda angry at my therapist over my session and wanted to find another one who specializes in DBT but I think the type of work that she does is better for what I need. Maybe.

Making decisions right now is not my strong suit.

Tomorrow I go to the DBT group and then to see my GP becuase she wanted to follow up from the hospital visit and while I'm there I have to remember to ask her to check my right ear it's been bothering me. like at the tail of end of when I had the ear infection.

Ugh, twitter man, you don't get to base your argument on "Me and Folks I know" and then complain that the the argument in The New Jim Crow is one-sided, you persistent pothead idiot.(Is my fault for again underestimating how people cling to their own stupidity. Also, he fought the law and the law won--apparently it has left him with more time on his hands than even I have. Wish you'd pulled this crap on ita--but she might not have been dumb enough to wade in.But if she did, she'd shut your ass up.

Hee hee hee hee, I just paid off my car loan. Whew!