Mmmm, peanut butter. And it's usually vegan! My mom says I lived on spoonfuls of the stuff when I was a kid, and could probably now too.

I totally get why there is an increase in suicidality when antidepressants start to work [NOTE: I am NOT suicidal; I'm just using this as a comparison] -- what I've read is that people who are having suicidal ideation start to feel *just* well enough that they have the motivation to enact their plan.

That's exactly what happened with one of the baseball parents I knew. He changed his meds and they weren't closely monitoring him during that stretch and he committed suicide, leaving his son behind.

It makes sense, biochemically, but Jesus, is it ever fucking unfair. You feel *just* well enough to realize how shitty you feel, and lo and behold, you can muster up the energy to do something about it.

It was fucking tragic. Because if they'd monitored it all more closely the new meds were really having a positive effect.

Well, for me, I'm starting to feel *just* well enough to look around the house and think "Jesus Christ, THIS is what the house of 2 people with depression looks like. WTF am I going to do about all this???"

OMG that's my house! People are all nice about it and make excuses (sister died, so much on my plate, yada yada), but there's not really much room for excuse anymore. My house is such a pit it makes the baby Jesus cry. And since my son wants a sleepover for his birthday party (nevermind that it's a month late), we are starting with the backyard and back porch. Ugh.

I could blame my house's state on depression, but it's because I'm a slob and don't give as much of a damn as perhaps I should. So much work to just have to do it all again.

My apartment is currently only dysphoria dirty, not depression dirty.

My house is depression dirty; I'm a sick person dirty; and I pulled out all this stuff to get rid of but then ran out of spoons messy, with an added side of having a dog who produces enough fur to make a new dog every month.

Today is the first day of a chemo holiday proposed by my oncologist. The proper response to that is "Yay?" I feel like I should be taking all the poison all the time, but with Stage 4, the goal is stable disease. I'm looking forward to enjoying food again, but I've kind of liked the weight loss side effect. This will at least answer the question of how much of my anemia is due to the chemo. Maybe I can go longer between transfusions. A girl can dream.

I was just trying to decide what to wear to the theater tonight and decided I'd be happy if all my clothes disappeared and I could start over.

My house is a disaster at the moment, and I'm starting to have OMG I'm bringing a baby into this house panic. And at the same time I don't have much energy to do anything about it.

Can someone remind me to not ever run out of all the things again? It's too fucking exhausting to drag all the things into the house. I went to Trader Joe's today, and I forgot to look for the beet hummus.

Our house is dirty enough that one of Matilda's playmates companions shamefully noted it.

"You guys have a really messy house! You should clean it up."