It's been 5 weeks since I've been on the Lexapro, and I can tell it's dialed my baseline anxiety down, which is good. (Not eliminated it, but I don't freak out every time Tim walks out the door, so that's a plus.)

It's pretty clear that I'm also having low-grade depression that I didn't even realize I had slid into. (The only way I realized it was [1] reading commentary on how Steve is clearly depressed in CA:TWS,* and reading the list of his symptoms and going "Yeah, got that...got that...do that...got that...huh," and [2] since starting the Lexapro, there are moments where I feel different, like my brain is more engaged, or more sparkly, or something, which only serves to highlight how beige I'm feeling most of the time.)

I think that, since I'm seeing a little improvement on the depression front with the Lexapro -- which is a low dose -- I'll talk to the doctor about increasing the dose and see what happens.

I totally get why there is an increase in suicidality when antidepressants start to work [NOTE: I am NOT suicidal; I'm just using this as a comparison] -- what I've read is that people who are having suicidal ideation start to feel *just* well enough that they have the motivation to enact their plan.

Well, for me, I'm starting to feel *just* well enough to look around the house and think "Jesus Christ, THIS is what the house of 2 people with depression looks like. WTF am I going to do about all this???" (Because Tim has chronic dysthymia, which he has managed with meds, but it's never really receded the way mine had.)

Yesterday when I was in the shower berating myself for being so nonfunctional and failing at being an adult, I had to remind myself of everything I accomplished yesterday, and that objectively, I got shit done (edited 2 articles, walked the dog, did the dishes, made the bed, fed the pets, flossed my teeth, got a damn shower). It just doesn't *feel* like getting shit done. If it's okay with you guys, I may try to post here about what I've gotten done in a day, to remind myself that I am actually adulting, even when it feels like I am failing.

*(Yeah, it takes fiction -- or commentary on fiction -- to make me realize what's happening with my mental health. Go on, act surprised.)

Side note that amuses me: I realized how freeing depression is, for me, in that it frees me to just not give any fucks about some things.

(Example: Tim's family is having a birthday party for his dad this weekend, and one of the nieces made a Google Docs spreadsheet so people can sign up to bring food, to make sure we have all the stuff covered. Last year, because they are Beckmeyers, 3 days before the party, over half the food items weren't signed up for, including the birthday cake, and I was FREAKING OUT that there wouldn't be a cake oh my god what is WRONG with your family?????

This year the same damn thing is happening, and I give zero fucks. Tim and I signed up for corn on the cob and ice cream, and if that's all there is to eat, so be it. We can order pizza. I do not have the spoons to give a crap about whether or not other adults can sign up to bring food. And it's kind of nice to not give a crap. Way less stress.)

That's what I like about better living with chemistry. Depressed? Zero fucks to give, but STRESS, ANXIETY. Medicated? Zero fucks, because we are adulting, not our business if others aren't.

Post all you want about your depression and anxiety and successful adulting, Steph. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one, some lonely weirdo who can't Life right while everyone else is happily having lives with no problem.

It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one, some lonely weirdo who can't Life right while everyone else is happily having lives with no problem.

It's really hard that Tim also has depression. Well, it's good in the sense that he totally gets it, and that's GOLD. But it also means that, while he picks up my slack as best as he can, it's...not a lot. And it really hits home how things don't get done around here if I'm not at least running the ship and saying "Hey, I'll clean the bathroom if you vacuum," or "Let's clear the skunk cabbage along the fence line," (Jesus God, the skunk cabbage is like 3 feet tall right now and if we could flamethrower it without burning down the garage, neighbors' fence, or house, I would take a flamethrower to it right now).

I'm just trying to have compassion for both of us and remember that we are doing the best we can for right now, and that it won't always be like this.

It's good that Tim understands. My mom suffered from depression while we were growing up and my dad was an ass about it.

My dad was also an ass about my stuttering, now that I think about it.

This is not my corner of the sky.

Hil, it was totally the right decision to leave. I'm sorry that the process for finding the right place has been so stressful.

If it's okay with you guys, I may try to post here about what I've gotten done in a day, to remind myself that I am actually adulting, even when it feels like I am failing.

Absolutely. We love giving gold stars!!

I have been big time adulting. Of the hundreds of doctors I have as customers I picked the most obsessive of the bunch. I knew he was going to ride me hard, but that was why I picked him. Bottom line, I am 11 years older than DH, and I know that at some point either he or the boys will have to take care of me, but I would rather that was in 30 years, not next month.

So my official problem list includes obesity (which causes most of the rest of the list), high cholesterol, high blood pressure, osteoporosis, borderline diabetes. He is Mr. Test of course, and really have passed well except the bone density and the cholesterol and sugar stuff.

He is super considerate of my feelings about medications. I am a real lightweight and experiences have always been bad with them. He had me take BP meds for a few days, and of course it plummeted too low so he told me to stop and just monitor it closely and follow my diet. He is giving me a few months to see how well I get the cholesterol under control by myself too.

So day 20 vegan, and pretty much day 20 serious amounts of cardio type exercise. (not when I had no BP) Wish I had lost more than 4 pounds, but better than not I suppose. Making this happen.

Making this happen.

I am cheering you on! Sounds like you're doing great, and losing 4 pounds is hard!

So day 20 vegan

If you're looking for vegan weight-loss stuff, there's a cookbook called Appetite for Reduction that's really good. I've liked just about everything I've tried from it. (My only caveat is that it usually calls for a lot more salt than what tastes right to me, so go easy on that.)

Thanks, Hil. I'll look for it. I am mostly just doing easy and quick whole food type stuff now, but will get bored soon. Salt is an issue. Fortunately I like spicy so I have been using more black and red pepper to not miss the salt as much. I like cooking so that will help.