Got two more job rejections today. Neither were from places where I'd even interviewed, but still, that's two more possibilities gone. Still have one more interview coming up, and one place where I had two interviews and no definite response yet. Also signed up with a placement agency for teaching at private schools.

Trying not to panic. I know I made the right decision in not staying at my current job. This is not my corner of the sky.

I don't feel like I've made progress.

I'm sorry, askye. I think some days, just making the attempt is progress.

I think some days, just making the attempt is progress.

Yes, indeed. bt is right.

I think some days, just making the attempt is progress.

This is good sense.

I'm still awake at 2 AM, because I haven't been wearing my ankle brace the past few days, and my ankle is strenuously objecting to that. So, took pain meds, and put on my night brace, which I hate, but it helps. I have to wear a sock with it, so I put on a TARDIS sock, because that just seems to make wearing the brace that I hate seem a little better.

Yay for tardis sock

good for you for trying - You weren't going to know until yo tried

bonnie thanks for the laugh

I'm so sorry Brenda, that is one of those horrible things that can't be explained

askye, I'm sorry your first day back was so difficult.

Connie, that is a lovely dream.

Same rule as with cats: if you make a baby on my porch, I get to have you neutered.

Very good rule.

Continued job~ma, Hil. I'm sorry this process has been so difficult.

Ugh, one of my neighbors across the street is using some sort of high powered machinery in their yard and the noise is making me extremely anxious. I guess it's time to get dressed and get the heck out of here.

It's been 5 weeks since I've been on the Lexapro, and I can tell it's dialed my baseline anxiety down, which is good. (Not eliminated it, but I don't freak out every time Tim walks out the door, so that's a plus.)

It's pretty clear that I'm also having low-grade depression that I didn't even realize I had slid into. (The only way I realized it was [1] reading commentary on how Steve is clearly depressed in CA:TWS,* and reading the list of his symptoms and going "Yeah, got that...got that...do that...got that...huh," and [2] since starting the Lexapro, there are moments where I feel different, like my brain is more engaged, or more sparkly, or something, which only serves to highlight how beige I'm feeling most of the time.)

I think that, since I'm seeing a little improvement on the depression front with the Lexapro -- which is a low dose -- I'll talk to the doctor about increasing the dose and see what happens.

I totally get why there is an increase in suicidality when antidepressants start to work [NOTE: I am NOT suicidal; I'm just using this as a comparison] -- what I've read is that people who are having suicidal ideation start to feel *just* well enough that they have the motivation to enact their plan.

Well, for me, I'm starting to feel *just* well enough to look around the house and think "Jesus Christ, THIS is what the house of 2 people with depression looks like. WTF am I going to do about all this???" (Because Tim has chronic dysthymia, which he has managed with meds, but it's never really receded the way mine had.)

Yesterday when I was in the shower berating myself for being so nonfunctional and failing at being an adult, I had to remind myself of everything I accomplished yesterday, and that objectively, I got shit done (edited 2 articles, walked the dog, did the dishes, made the bed, fed the pets, flossed my teeth, got a damn shower). It just doesn't *feel* like getting shit done. If it's okay with you guys, I may try to post here about what I've gotten done in a day, to remind myself that I am actually adulting, even when it feels like I am failing.

*(Yeah, it takes fiction -- or commentary on fiction -- to make me realize what's happening with my mental health. Go on, act surprised.)

Side note that amuses me: I realized how freeing depression is, for me, in that it frees me to just not give any fucks about some things.

(Example: Tim's family is having a birthday party for his dad this weekend, and one of the nieces made a Google Docs spreadsheet so people can sign up to bring food, to make sure we have all the stuff covered. Last year, because they are Beckmeyers, 3 days before the party, over half the food items weren't signed up for, including the birthday cake, and I was FREAKING OUT that there wouldn't be a cake oh my god what is WRONG with your family?????

This year the same damn thing is happening, and I give zero fucks. Tim and I signed up for corn on the cob and ice cream, and if that's all there is to eat, so be it. We can order pizza. I do not have the spoons to give a crap about whether or not other adults can sign up to bring food. And it's kind of nice to not give a crap. Way less stress.)

That's what I like about better living with chemistry. Depressed? Zero fucks to give, but STRESS, ANXIETY. Medicated? Zero fucks, because we are adulting, not our business if others aren't.

Post all you want about your depression and anxiety and successful adulting, Steph. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one, some lonely weirdo who can't Life right while everyone else is happily having lives with no problem.