Tep, wow, are we in the same marriage? because it sounds like what I have with D (who also is ADHD Boy.) It's taken we almost 6 years to be able to go to him and say "I am having crazy anxiety. I am flipping out like a mammal in my lizard brain; will you rub my neck and let me talk to you?"

I've had to learn to flip the script, because I am used to being Strong Silent Woman -- if D was feeling these feels, would I want to know? Of course! Because a relationship is about when you can't crawl anymore, you find someone to carry you. I carry D all the time; is it fair to him to not be able to carry me when I need it?

It sounds a lot like GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) which is also what I have. I'm on Xanax at night, plus an etra 15 tabs a months for Generalized Wacked Out Stress Days. I am super high med tolerance woman, though, so this might not be what your doc prescribes. I only see my psych every three months now, and I went through a lot of 'em finding the right one, but find him I did.

It's hard to feel like you're the crazy one in a relationship -- I feel that way a LOT -- but really, everyone has their own brand of crazy, right?

You were using a sunlamp during the winter, weren't you, Teppy? Are you getting enough sunlight, working at home?

It's cloudy and rainy, which doesn't help.

I'm giving myself permission to do the minimum that I need to do today, since I have no deadlines today. That's basically: eat something other than Easter candy, take a shower/brush teeth/etc., fill out my tax stuff to mail tomorrow, and do whatever the dog needs (he's been sick for 2 weeks, so whenever he decides he needs to go out NOW, up I jump to let him out).

Optional and probably likely to happen: wash dishes, make bed, fold laundry, go to stupid board meeting tonight. Maybe a short walk if it isn't actively raining. (All of these don't *have* to happen, although I really should go to the stupid board meeting because I said I would, and there will be GF pizza, so I don't have to make dinner.)

Optional and probably not happening until tomorrow: mail tax returns, go to bank, go to gym, go to CVS, go to library.

It's not that I feel like I *can't* tell him; I just don't want to lay all that on him.

I'm just saying, I'm pretty sure I've heard you express this before. Maybe about depression? And I know intellectually you know that's not fair to him...and that he loves you. Would you want him to suffer in silence?

Tep, wow, are we in the same marriage? because it sounds like what I have with D (who also is ADHD Boy.) It's taken we almost 6 years to be able to go to him and say "I am having crazy anxiety. I am flipping out like a mammal in my lizard brain; will you rub my neck and let me talk to you?"

I've had to learn to flip the script, because I am used to being Strong Silent Woman -- if D was feeling these feels, would I want to know? Of course!

My problem is two-fold (although one is really Tim's problem, but that still makes it MY problem): (1) being a stupid prideful person who doesn't want to lay all this on him; and (2) he is the actual WORST at things like this, because he doesn't know what to say, and/or worries he'll say the wrong thing, so gets this weird thousand-yard stare and sits there all stiff and mute, which, LET ME TELL YOU, is the exact opposite of what I need. I would be able to deal better if he were a dick who said "Your anxiety is stupid and you are stupid." (Not that he would ever do that, because he is not a dick, but I know how to deal with people who are dicks.) But mute thousand-yard stare is THE WORST. I have told him -- when we are NOT in the middle of a Steph Crisis -- that he needs to learn how to not do that, and he agrees. (His 2 brothers and dad all do it, too. My sisters-in-law have nothing but sympathy for me, because those guys are amazing in a lot of ways, but scary emotions flip a kill switch in their brains. I once told Tim to ask his brothers for advice about this, because they've both been married for yonks [one of them, more than 25 years]. And when he asked them, their reaction was, for real, "Uh...I don't know?" YOU GUYS. CUT IT THE SHIT OUT.)

It sounds a lot like GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) which is also what I have. I'm on Xanax at night, plus an etra 15 tabs a months for Generalized Wacked Out Stress Days. I am super high med tolerance woman, though, so this might not be what your doc prescribes.

Oddly, I'm okay going to sleep these days. (I've kept track on the calendar, and I haven't needed Ambien for almost 7 months. I am astonished at that. Somehow my sleep got less broken. Though I do still take melatonin AND valerian at bedtime.) I (quite obviously) probably need Ativan or some benzo for days that I flip the fuck out, though I know my primary-care doctor is reluctant to prescribe them. Or he used to be. He's a great doctor but in the past 5 years or so has really walked back his stance on controlled substances.

You were using a sunlamp during the winter, weren't you, Teppy?

From about mid-September through March, 30 minutes in the morning.

Are you getting enough sunlight, working at home?

I ought to get outside more than I do, now that you mention it.

While I do think finding a therapist is a good idea,i have anothor thought or too. You life is smoothing out. Your work is stable, you and Tim are good , you have a routine....so now your brain has time to freak out about everything. So you maybe reacting to past stuff.

I can't talk about the memeory thing - I used to remember everthing - now, not so much

sending out general ma~~~ to all that I have missed. For the first time in over two weeks I woke up feeling like me. not some sick person. I 've read things all along but I haven't been able to type due to lack of brain

I am currently eating a non-Easter candy food (split pea soup) and watching CA:TWS. (Boo, Sitwell. Booooo.) Then: take a shower and finish my dang taxes.

sending out general ma~~~ to all that I have missed. For the first time in over two weeks I woke up feeling like me. not some sick person.

Glad you're back, beth! Both here and in your head.

Steph, GAD just blows, that's all. I strongly second the rec of talking to your doctor, getting a rec for a therapist if he can make one, and getting some dang meds. I've been having a super anxiety freak-out the last couple weeks, and it finally dawned on me that maybe I shouldn't have stopped taking those meds that were working for me (I'm a genius, you know), so I started taking them again, and wow, I feel so much better. So, yeah, better living through chemistry.

Another thing I've been doing for a few months that's helped my depression/anxiety a lot is, taking 2000 IUs of vitamin D a day. I recommend it as something cheap that might help.

gets this weird thousand-yard stare and sits there all stiff and mute

Oh, that is familiar. My mom would do that, too. Poor Tim. Emotions are terribly confusing and frightening. He may need a script. "You are a wonderful person and I love you, and everything will be all right! I have removed the viper pit and have no plans to install a trebuchet on the roof."

This brain med has amusing side effects. I ALMOST just said "I love you" instead of "good-bye" to a phone support tech. Man, that would have been impossible to explain.