Woke up an hour ago with hip pain. Not on, body. Time for some pigeon pose.

I am having a LOT of anxiety today. Actually, my anxiety has been cranked up in general for the past several months; I just haven't talked about it,* because I hoped that ignoring it would make it go away, because it's not anxiety about any actual problem (like, maybe we shouldn't have built a pit of vipers in the back yard -- THAT would warrant some anxiety [we did not build a pit of vipers]).

It's just all the what-ifs that won't go away: what if I'm bad at my job (despite feedback that I'm fairly decent and getting better), what if freelancing doesn't pay enough (despite the fact it's been fine for the past year and a half AND I'm getting more work), what if my recent-ish forgetfulness is really early-onset Alzheimer's (despite the fact that chronic anxiety/stress absolutely causes memory issues)? (Seriously, you guys, I keep forgetting stuff ALL THE TIME. This has never happened before.)

I worry about Tim every time he walks out the door without me. Not, like, "It's raining; I hope the roads are safe where he's driving; oh, hey, a rerun of Arrow is on, woo hoo!" But, like, "Please be okay please be okay please don't die please don't die please be okay please be okay," ad infinitum. I worry about him when he goes to work, because there is dangerous shit in that warehouse and sometimes he works late and is the only one there and something could fall on him or blow up or the vipers could get out of the viper pit. I'm kind of like the dog, who gets stressed out if he can't keep us both in his line of sight; if Tim isn't right next to me, I freak out.

*(When I say I haven't talked about it, I mean here, I mean to ANYONE, including Tim. Because I want to ignore it so it'll go away [which is working out SO WELL, don't you think?], and because it's a lot to lay on him: "So, I'm incredibly anxious and stressed out ALL THE TIME but there's nothing you can do about it, so...have fun living with that knowledge now! Aren't you thrilled you married me???")

The more I type, the more I'm aware that if anyone else said all this, I would gently suggest they see a therapist. But man, I have no idea how to go about looking for one. I had one quite a while ago, and I guess I could start by seeing if she's still practicing and on our insurance plan.

Yeah, that sounds a lot like "time for a therapist and maybe meds?" Teppy. Especially if you feel like you can't tell Tim. Because that' ain't right.

Steph, I'm sorry you've had to deal with anxiety. You've had a lot of stress in the past year or two. I think the top 10 anxiety-inducing stressors include family illness/death, moving, job loss/change, marriage, and personal health problems. At least you haven't moved. The fact that it's understandable doesn't make it any less difficult. I hope you'll be able to find a doctor or other health professional who can be helpful without the process adding to your stress load.

Yeah, it's time for something to mitigate the dread.

Steph, IIRC you have a great primary care doctor, who might be your first professional to consult, because he already knows you. (It's also possible anxiety could be a side effect of a medication?)

Especially if you feel like you can't tell Tim.

It's not that I feel like I *can't* tell him; I just don't want to lay all that on him.

Steph, there is often a number on your insurance card specifically for mental health services, and they can often recommend someone in your area who fits your needs. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Steph, IIRC you have a great primary care doctor, who might be your first professional to consult, because he already knows you.

Yeah, I should probably call my primary care doctor first. If I have a list of therapists on our insurance, he might be able to recommend/rule out some of them (he's done that in the past).

(It's also possible anxiety could be a side effect of a medication?)

I'm trying to think if I've added anything recently, but not really, other than taking sudafed more often than normal because of the pollensplosion. I know sudafed can cause the jitters, though it usually doesn't do that to me.

It's not that I feel like I *can't* tell him; I just don't want to lay all that on him.

Yeah, but I'm betting that's the anxiety talking too. Or at least influencing. Seconding the rec to talk to your PCP. You shouldn't have to feel like this all the time.