I'm still cranky as heck about the diet, but so far it's been mostly manageable. I'm still finding it hard to actually leave the house during the day and figure out what to eat.

I didn't want to go to therapy today but I did, I stayed for all three parts. I haven't done my homework one of the parts it to examine a positive emotion = well there's soemthing about postive and negative emotions I don't even remember at this point.

Nothing positive has really happened.

I dealt with the company "case worker" for my leave which sucked becuase it turns out my therapist messed up the leave request and I didn't notice. So I had to try and get in touch with her, I need to get her to fix the date and it has to be sent back to them (via email or fax) by Thursday so I only have tomorrow and Thursday. I left a message for my therapist but didn't send her an email. I may send her an email. This means trying to drive up to Burlington, getting this done and then going and getting it faxed (I discovered my printer doesn't scan for some reason and I'm not replacing it). And I don't trust my therapist to scan it and email it the same day. I mean I'm sure she would but I'm paranoid.

I finally called Hartforda bout the short term benefits and after that I got a call back from teh "case manager" about ...something. She's got an accent and there's lots of call center background noise and I can barely understand her and she has trouble understanding me. So most of our phone calls have been trying to figure out what the other is saying. I finally asked if she could just email me because the phone calls are too stressful.

THAT took 3 tries for me to explain. Anyway the gist of hwat she was saying is they are going to be sending me the bills for the health insurance isntead of to Hartford becuas they haven't approved my claim.

I totally fucked this up and should ahve called them first but I honestly forgot about it until the case manager person said something. And I've been doing the best I can but it's just me trying to handle all of this.

Anyway, I got stressed out and upset because I'd talked to her, Hartford, and then her again about stuff and I just don't deal well with talking to insurance companies and tsuff. And she's saying (I think) that there's no reason to be upset and why am I upset which just made me feel even worse. I finally snapped "I'm on leave for psychatric reasons including anxiety I can't deal with this it makes me worse" and just with the "there's no reason to be upset." Lady I KNOW my rational brain gets that. The other part doesn't.

I kept repeating "I hve to go I have to go " and hung up.

Then cried for 20 minutes. I'm just messing this all up and I don't know how to fix things and I'm all alone and all of this was impuslive the leave adn the intensive outpatient and it makes me feel like I'm not able to make the proper decisiosn to take care of myself.

{{{{{askye}}}}} I'm sorry. I hate those types of phone calls. All sorts of calm~ma headed your way.

askye, those types of calls are super challenging even when you're in the best health. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed by it. Sending you love and strength.

And anybody telling anybody else that there's nothing to be upset about should be slapped. Your feelings are your feelings. You'd think in her line of work they'd at least have given her better scripts to work from, even if they can't train better empathy.

askye, you are making decisions to take care of yourself. Tell the therapists that you feel like you're doing everything wrong, and see what they say. Does the place where you're having your therapy have a social worker who could help you with the insurance/disability calls?

Have you considered working part-time? While I know your anxieties are a problem there, it's also a place where you've been really successful and they obviously value you.

There's a case worker at the outpatient but they don't get involved with that and I can't be in contact with my regular therapist.

I do see my case manager on Thursday and I can ask although I could probably ask to see my case manager before that.

As for working part time, the idea is that I'll go back to work part time while I'm doign the outpatient therapy so the other thing I have to tackle is questions about partial leave, which are an option but I don't understand and would have to ask the work contact person - who is the one I can't understand. Hopefully she'll email me and I can ask questions about that.

But last week 3 out of the four days I was in a horrible mood after therapy and I don't think I can do work and therapy on the same day. Don't know what to do.

People being stupid on Facebook make me wanna holler. Yes, RW dude, the fact of Al Sharpton's alleged tax case(which on one hand does not surprise me, and on the other, I give less than zero fucks about) totally negates 300 hundred years of subhuman treatment...what was I thinking? White privilege and the privileges of money and fame can totally co-exist.When *I* am tired of these stupid discussions, sometimes I'm surprised that Melissa Harris-Perry doesn't have a drinking problem. But that's because tokenism is how they think about everything...finding the one of any group who will cheerfully give their rights away.(After Sanders makes up his mind, I'm getting off Facebook...too much stupid for the fun involved, too many smug married with their damn baby pictures, and the truth is, my life is nothing to document, ever. "Wow, who knew? I moved some paragraphs around again for the ninety-seventh day in a row." I really did think I'd have some news once, but it never happened.

My relationship with FB is one that requires separate vacations from time to time. I have to miss it for a while in order to appreciate it again. Although one of these times I may find a new love and never come back.

I made it to outpatient again. Saw the pic person who had some interesting suggestions for med management. Forgot to take klonopin and I can tell. As soon as I get home I'm takin some.