Bev, I think she was checking in to see if I needed it.

Mom's offered to come up here and visit and I want her to but I want it to be when I can actually enjoy it and not feel like ...whatever I feel like right now. Depressed.

Drank a ton of diet coke the last few days and feel like crap, have to stop that. mostly I'm feeling numb and everything feels weighed down.

Oh Laura, Ginger, askye, and sj. I’m sorry it’s so hard for all of you right now. (Different types of hard, different reasons, but hard nonetheless. Pain isn’t a competition.) Much love to all of you.

Askye, it sounds like a more intensive treatment program might be a really good thing right now. I’m concerned by how much you’re isolating yourself.

Mom's offered to come up here and visit and I want her to but I want it to be when I can actually enjoy it and not feel like ...whatever I feel like right now. Depressed.

Askye, I know sometime it is hard to take your own advice, but let your mom help you.

Yeah, it all depends on your relationship with your mom (in most cases, mine would drive me over the edge way before she'd be of any help if I were depressed!), but if you get along with yours, consider it. And what would the DISadvantage to a more structured outpatient treatment program be? If you're already on medical leave, it might be a good thing.

Well I am spending time in Second Life, which isn't Real Life but i'm actually talking to people using my voice so it's kind of like getting out there. And on skype a bit.

I'll talk to her about it Wednesday. I just don't want to be more...broken...than I already am and a more intensive program means I wouldn't work with Kristen (I think) and I'm worried I'm going to need more than the leave time I have. And..

I'm so fucking MAD! Not Will but just life in general just at being sick and damaged and not able to ever heal.

Now, I haven't been where you are, but over the last few weeks, it has occurred to me, and not for any enormous special reason, that sometimes forever can be a fucking long time, and I thought that at this point, I'd be such an adult with a plan that I'd be like "Barriers to inclusion are so 1980s, man." But instead I'm still fucking Snot Boogie, except with cute hair. Not cool. And I have nobody to talk to about it a lot of the time, unless I hang out on some crip board and pretend that bullshit like "Attitudes are the REAL disability" is interesting and not a totally played-out fucking bromide I've been reading since I was nine, in one form or another.(Yes, ableism has an attitudinal component, of course, but it's so much safer and friendlier to keep the focus on MY attitude and how I can sparkle and distract from the brain damage and whatnot, which, given this post's Emanuelesque comfort with expletives, I clearly fail at.)ETA: Which is just my long-winded way of saying that I guess some of don't really get to be DONE with our shit, and sometimes it comes up under stress, like askye's, sometimes when I'm just sitting around doing my things.

That's some shit.

ETA: To clarify, I mean the shit in your lives, not the attitude. To be Shakespearean about it, shit by any other name would smell as foul.

Ugh. Have to have a root canal, but they can't get me in until the 7th.

Vortex, I hope you at least have the good drugs until then?

Nope, just tylenol. It's fine for now.