Finally caught up. Feel like there's a bunch of things I wanted to say, but they have all fallen out of my head. Will be heading out for lunch soon, caffeine will be applied. Fingers crossed that will help. Meanwhile, {{bitches}}.

Must be said again: oh, you guys. Just reading through all this kindness and wisdom has therapized me too.

I bring exciting news from the Hummingbird world: TWO little beaks are definitely poking up from the tiny nest.

We were in the middle of a nice long slow warm rain on Saturday (Thank you, Pineapple Express) and heard Little Buzz chirping at me. Scanned around, found her sitting on a tomato cage near one of the feeders. Then she sucked up a huge meal, flew over to her nest and delivered the goods to the babies. Now they are getting bigger and I can see their beaks from my spot next door on the ground.

Where are you, K.B.? Isn't it early for bird babies? What if there's another freeze?

worried for birds I never met

Don't worry about these babies. We're in temperate Hayward, California. Plenty of flowering plants around, and she picked a great place to stay dry.

I just showed the nest to a gang of Girl Scouts. They were all impressed. Now I have cookies.

I bring exciting news from the Hummingbird world: TWO little beaks are definitely poking up from the tiny nest.

Two tiny hummingbirds! Or one slightly larger mutant.

I am into the land of bad anniversaries. He was fighting so hard this time last year. So many harsh, invasive procedures. He had such hope that he was going to beat it. And he was responding well. His doctors were cautiously hopeful. And I'm replaying it my mind like a wretched Scandinavian drama, knowing everything is doomed to grief and despair.

He did everything they asked, he was as cheerful as he could be and gave hope to others on his path. And it did no fucking good. I can't bear to look at last year's calendar. A solid wall of doctors and chemo. He was making plans for After till the end, and I'm picking up the pieces of those plans every day.

My birthday is this Friday. The first cataract surgery is in two weeks. The car is making a weird noise that the garage can't find but doesn't seem ominous. I keep telling myself that this is just one of the many low points I'll hit, that there is an upslope not to far ahead. But the standard responses aren't being very helpful at the moment.

Thanks for all the support. Strix I will probably email you.

I just got up from a rather long nap. Today has been a roller coaste ride emotionally.

I had a long thing to post but I'll just be brief. Will came over, he watched a video I made last night of a coughing episode (I sent him one last night too) and he made me turn it off because it was so upsetting for him to watch. He reassured me that I was actually sick and that the doctor was going to believe me. And made sure I still wasn't thinking about harming myself.

And I coughed a bunch. (this is after taking cough medicine)

Then we went to the doctor. Where I coughed a bunch. I told the dr about the videos and at first she didn't want to see but then I kept saying "this coughing today is mild compared to last night, I can show you" I think she realized I NEEDED to show her. So I did although honestly I don't remember her reaction but she agreed that they were more intense.

She's kinda doubtful that it's pertussis because I had my booster so recently but she did the test anyway. And prescribed cough medicine with vicodin. So stepping up the game. She wrote me a note saying I had to stay home through the 13th. I dropped the note off to work (asssistant manager told me I could wait and I told him I was in the area and wanted to make sure I let them know I wouldn't be back until Saturday).

My regular Rite Aid didn't have it and called another, which did have it, but I didn't ask for them to hold it for me (thinking they couldn't) so when I got there they didn't have enough for a full dose. But the dr wrote the dosage amount wrong so I ended up with the medicine anyway.

I take it every 12 hours. It's in a suspension and I have shake vigorously. I may play Taylor Swift while I do the shaking. Then to the grocery store and back home where Will and I took a nap until he had to leave and I just got up from said nap.

Wednesday I see the new pdoc and therapist, depending on how i feel I may just go to see Diane (pdoc) but Will is going to take the day off to take me. 1)I can't drive iwth the cough medicine and 2) I'm scared to drive when I could suddenly start coughing violently for several minutes.

I'm seconding or thirding the WTF on the onesie. Especially since they have one that says "Love me Love my leg rolls" and other cute things. Seriously why the body shaming?

Also YAY Hummingbirds!! I'm going to try and put up feeders this year.

Connie I'm sorry. Take care of yourself during this, be extra extra good to yourself.

I hope the new meds work, askye.

And Connie, I am so sorry. I know you know that grief is not a straight path, but we can be with you along the way.

Connie, I am so sorry.

askye, when will you get the results of the pertussis test?