Oh, meara, so jealous.

Cass, I hope you were able to get some sleep. Sending good thoughts your way.

I did get some sleep. Staying here just trips my 'missing Dad a lot' cry a bunch apparently. Predictably, I sobbed for a while last night.

A part of me is so angry. I spent so much time trying to achieve that in 2006 and it worked until this year. I know it isn't so, but now it feels like it was all for nothing. A waste of time.

Nope. Not a waste of time. You have an achieveable goal now. You know what the desired target looks like, and you can recognize you are not at it right now. But life is a constant, evolving thing. And as such, you need to figure out a different path to that goal. Life isn't like a video game. Every day, while similiar, is completely different. And those minor differences evolve. It's recognizing that those changes have evolved so much, that the old plan isn't working, that is actually PROGRESS. Now, it's just a matter of figuring out what to modify in your daily routine.

22:30 bed time. Yeah, I would ignore that too. But I feel your pain. I have a few "get to bed" reminders. The TV has a timer at 1am, (and 2am for those nights I turn it back on). And I got fancy lights that change color, and they dim to red at midnight. The lights thing actually helps more than anything. They do a 9 minute "fade". Like a mini-sunset in my living room. I'm surprised how much it's helped my brain slow down, and gets me to bed. And easier to not ignore, since it's not an abrupt thing. A light off is like "hey, I need to finish this passage" and you turn it back on. But a slow fade... "Oh, hey, the lights are a little red. Let me finish this passage and then I should head to bed".

((( Cass )))

Cass, I'm sorry. Thoughts in your direction.

Life isn't like a video game

The internet have fooled me, then. Dammit. (Yeah, yeah. I know what I have to do and all that jazz. I just keep my right to bitch/vent about it, as it's only trial and error and goddammit, I already did all the right things six years ago, why can't it last. The whole process just takes so much out of me.)

The lights thing does sound cool. I'm not surprised to hear it works.

I hope you said hi to DX for all of us! Miss him.

I did, and I told him you were all jealous.

{{{{{Cass}}}}} If you need to get away, my spare bedroom is available.

omnis, what are these magic lights, and where did you get them?

Shir, the fatigue effects are mono are so frustrating! The idea of you exercising to snap yourself out of mono is a little scary. Please take care of yourself.

Oh, Zen, I didn't know I had mono at the time.

I'm sorry, Cass.

Shir, I hope you can find a good balance point soon.

I really need to have a mini F2F at our house at some point,

YES.

if I can every get the place organized enough that I'm not embarrass to have people over.

Don't be silly. We're family. Cool family that just moves your laptop over so that we can sit on the couch, not stressy family that you have to scrub the grout for.

Staying here just trips my 'missing Dad a lot' cry a bunch apparently. Predictably, I sobbed for a while last night.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there to hold you. I know what you're going through and I'm sending you all the love in the world.

omnis, what are these magic lights, and where did you get them?

The lights are the Phillips Hue system. [link] You need a starter pack, which has 3 lamps and a bridge. The bridge plugs into your network. You control the lights via an iOS app (I think there is an Android app now as well). You can then purchase additional lamps, up to 50 on one bridge.