Creepy twin stuff creeps me having twins in the family.

I'm not telling all of this for hairpats and ~mas, I'm just giving you context. Stress and instincts that worked in the past are pushing, and I try to tell them to go the fuck off. So one of the things I do is trying to get back here, because it's nice here and it's not something stressful and you're all nice to me and to each other. And I need more of this in my life.

It's nice here. We often take care of each other. This is good.

I'm sad tonight but I know there would be people here if I reached out.

Sorry that you're sad, Cass. Anything my pixels can do for you?

And thanks, all. Really. As I said, hairpats and hugs aren't really the issue here - and I know I can always come here. It's more a "can't trust things that 100% worked before" and "for fuck sake, someone remind me how to relax" thing, combined with a "hi, you look like you're not busy at the moment. Let's give people and work around you crises for you to help with" from the universe. Since I'm not a person who's in touch with her feelings on a daily basis, I did need those wake up calls from my friends to slow down and take care of myself. I'm really not good with that, or living with the uncertainty that is trying to change the way I live in in order to become less stressful.

So I'm left at a point where I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm now trying not to multi-task and remember that jumping to the help of others (which is the thing that makes me feel good automatically), solving crises, and lead various initiatives was fantastic and worked in the past, but now I'm having the trouble deciding the very little things I want/have to do, and I can't seem to relax or let go of things.

For now, the main things I decided to do are: 1. no more multi-tasking, 2. trying to convey my mom that the way she communicates with me on everything is unbelievably stressful (she can't see it at all. For her it's not stress, it's life. She's also a workaholic who sleeps 4-5 hours per night and always have a project or three to do), and 3. there's my main battle: trying to get enough sleep. I set reminders to go to bed at 22:30pm on weekdays, and I just ignore them when it's time. I need to remind myself that twisting the boundaries of time is like multi-tasking, and I can't do that anymore.

It's extremely hard to change patterns that I worked hard to have in the first place. But I hope to have a calmer life in the other end of it. Honestly, I'm just happy that lots of people told me to take care of myself. I knew something isn't working anymore, but I thought it was me who is failing - not life that became harder and more demanding. Kindda like last year, which I spent with un-diagnosed mono for 4 months. I honestly thought I was just became lazy for whatever reason, and even started running to snap myself out of it. Thank God for annual blood tests (tracking my b12 levels), or else I would have damaged myself.

It sounds like you have a good plan going forward, Shir. It is hard to strike a balance. Of course we selfishly approve of you including Buffista time in your schedule.

Multi-tasking has to happen in my life, to an extreme level, but I have at least managed to get a good amount of sleep in the schedule. This week I have managed 6 days in a row to swim at least an hour a day, which helps too.

This week I have managed 6 days in a row to swim at least an hour a day

I'm thinking Feldenkrais for me. I got recommendations for it. I need something that's not demanding (especially after the mono) and yet counts as exercise.

It is hard to strike a balance

A part of me is so angry. I spent so much time trying to achieve that in 2006 and it worked until this year. I know it isn't so, but now it feels like it was all for nothing. A waste of time.

Cass, I hope you were able to get some sleep. Sending good thoughts your way.

This week I have managed 6 days in a row to swim at least an hour a day

Go you!

A part of me is so angry. I spent so much time trying to achieve that in 2006 and it worked until this year. I know it isn't so, but now it feels like it was all for nothing. A waste of time.

It sounds to me like whatever you did worked well for a long time, but maybe it's time to make some adjustments?

My grandfather is here! I don't see him nearly enough anymore. We're having lobsters for dinner tonight before we go home.

Mmmmm, lobster! The grandfather part is even better.

Feldenkrais

That sounds really interesting. I know you are frustrated Shir, but the lessons you have already learned are what is going to bring you through this challenge.

Hugs shir! Sj, I hope you said hi to DX for all of us! Miss him.

Roomie and I are getting breakfast before heading back into Glacier National park today. It was SO gorgeous yesterday. Just stunning. I wish we could stay longer.

It looks quite breathtaking, meara. Enjoy!

Oh, meara, so jealous.

Cass, I hope you were able to get some sleep. Sending good thoughts your way.

I did get some sleep. Staying here just trips my 'missing Dad a lot' cry a bunch apparently. Predictably, I sobbed for a while last night.

A part of me is so angry. I spent so much time trying to achieve that in 2006 and it worked until this year. I know it isn't so, but now it feels like it was all for nothing. A waste of time.

Nope. Not a waste of time. You have an achieveable goal now. You know what the desired target looks like, and you can recognize you are not at it right now. But life is a constant, evolving thing. And as such, you need to figure out a different path to that goal. Life isn't like a video game. Every day, while similiar, is completely different. And those minor differences evolve. It's recognizing that those changes have evolved so much, that the old plan isn't working, that is actually PROGRESS. Now, it's just a matter of figuring out what to modify in your daily routine.

22:30 bed time. Yeah, I would ignore that too. But I feel your pain. I have a few "get to bed" reminders. The TV has a timer at 1am, (and 2am for those nights I turn it back on). And I got fancy lights that change color, and they dim to red at midnight. The lights thing actually helps more than anything. They do a 9 minute "fade". Like a mini-sunset in my living room. I'm surprised how much it's helped my brain slow down, and gets me to bed. And easier to not ignore, since it's not an abrupt thing. A light off is like "hey, I need to finish this passage" and you turn it back on. But a slow fade... "Oh, hey, the lights are a little red. Let me finish this passage and then I should head to bed".