I think everyone is different. In the short run I kept ridiculously busy. Took a heavy school schedule then visited my sister for a time. Worked out like mad. It was like a super busy foggy haze. In the long run there is just no anticipating when it is going to hit. It has been 27 years and I will still get a sudden wave of heavy grief if I watch a certain movie or see someone or something that hits me the right/wrong way. Fortunately there is some balance now and the wave might be a warm wave of he would love this or he would hate this.

There is no right or wrong, no usual or unusual, it is just what your own psyche has to do to get through it to some point of normal again.

I think the shock of something unanticipated like an accident has an added burden on top of the grief and loss. A friend of mine lost her husband to suicide and she had a heavy dose of pissed off on top of the grief. Turned her into wonder woman or something. She wasn't ever going to need anyone. Did construction projects and fixed her car. Total independence was her method of coping with the loss.

You have to listen to yourself because you know what you need. Crying, or traveling, or taking up pottery. Follow your instincts. I so wish that an outside party could actually help. It is a sucky thing to have to find your way through to put it mildly.

Short version - hugs and love.

It's reassuring to hear of other people who used distraction as a crutch/support. I liken it to a physical wound, it has to sit and heal, and the best way to do it is not to pick at it (I tend to be a picker). Gentle tending, proper protection, let it settle and see how it scars.

It's still weird to be admired for being strong. I know no other way to be than how I am. I confess to envying those who can hide themselves away for a while. I guess they have other people to do the carrying for a while. I suspect my ancestors would be looking at me in somber approval.

I have to rant. Not about work but about my late ex SIL's family. Some of you know (or might remember) that my brother's ex wife and mother to my nephew committed suicide. It was shocking and tragic and in some ways (this is hard to say) a relief becuase she was gearing up for a prolonged custody battle for my nephew after she walked out on them and basically had nothing to do with her son until she started dating this creepy guy.

So there was lots of shock and difficulty navigating what to do for my brother becuase x SIL did not have a will and my nephew E was her closest relative but also a child. Her mother some how ended up executor of her estate and screwed everything up. There wasn't a ton of money but E's maternal grandmother didn't pay the IRS correctly so there thousands of dollars in late fees assessed against the state. She also held onto her daughter's stuff in 2 storage units and those payments came out of the estate.

Then she paid herself (which is legal) and paid her other daughter for something I'm not sure of.

So instead of getting an inheritance my nephew (well his lawyer) gets a bill because the estate owes either xSIL's mother or sister money for something. My brother had his lawyer look at it and she said the numbers don't add up so there is another step involved.

And the xSIL's mother's boyfriend is now calling my brother asking him to drop this, just pay the money otherwise it's going to ruin the relationship between her family and E. Of course it's been MONTHS since they've seen or had any contact with E.

On top of that xSIL's father is sitting in federal prison on major drug charges (he had a coffee plantaiton that was really a pot farm) and xSIL was part owner. The government has seized the property and is selling it, so E will get the money from the sale (well my brother will and it will go into a trust). So the her father wrote my brother and asks him if he can "borrow" the money back. Which I'm pretty sure might be illegal not to mention her dad has no way to pay back the money, what with being in federal prison for what might be the rest of his life considering his health and possible sentence.

Oh! AND AND AND the part that really pisses me off is that the boyfriend (that's xSIL's mother's boyfriend) accused MY BROTHER of being greedy and just out for money. My brother replied that, yes, he's trying to get the money that E should have.

I want to go and yell at all of them or throttle them or something. They are being greedy and lazy and they barely see E who is awesome and wonderful. And even if it's hard to see your grandchild because of grief then it shouldn't be hard not to steal his inheirantance through greed and sloth.

askye, what a mess. I'm sorry your brother has to deal with all of this, and I feel awful for your nephew.

And the xSIL's mother's boyfriend is now calling my brother asking him to drop this, just pay the money otherwise it's going to ruin the relationship between her family and E. Of course it's been MONTHS since they've seen or had any contact with E.

He can't owe them money. Unless he co-signed for something, or agreed to financial responsibility for something (ie, if he owed her money for child support, or signed a loan with her, or agreed to pay her hospital bill). If someone dies owing money, it can be taken out of what they've got left, so their next of kin might not inherit anything, but he shouldn't owe anyone money unless he got some from the estate. (That's obviously a separate question of getting them off his ass, but...).

askye, I can't even.

Ordinarily I don't use that particular turn of phrase, but I think it fits here.

So instead of getting an inheritance my nephew (well his lawyer) gets a bill because the estate owes either xSIL's mother or sister money for something.

Yeah, I was going to say what meara said. Something sounds really shifty, and if your brother's lawyer doesn't see that right away, he might want to find a new one.

So instead of getting an inheritance my nephew (well his lawyer) gets a bill because the estate owes either xSIL's mother or sister money for something.

Yeah, no. I was an executor for my dad's estate. If I recall correctly (and it may vary from state to state), executors can claim a percentage (maybe 6%? I forget) of any income (interest, rents, etc.) from the estate, and a percentage of the principle. If there's no money in the estate then they are out of luck. But their check writing hand won't get too much of a workout, so it kinda evens out. Since Dad's estate was evenly divided between my sister and me, I didn't claim anything. It would have been one more thing to track, and Dad's estate wasn't exactly huge (he and Mom were teachers). This way, the math was easier. Subtract all final bills, divide whatever's left by two, send copies to the lawyer, done.

ETA: I am not a lawer.

My brother's lawyer is on top of this. She was the one who saw that all their accounting and itemization was off and sent everything back to be redone.

The "money owed" thing is just weird. I don't know how much money my xSIL had when she passed but from what I understand about HALF of that amount was spent on late fees and penalties to the IRS. Also the fees for the storage units were paid out of the estate and also her sister was paid about $6000 for doing something that was with the photography business, I think finishing up the photos/wedding albums for the clients who hadn't received them.

E also lost out on some of the social security benefits right after his mother's death because his crappy grandmother didn't fill paperwork in a timely manner.

Originally my brother was going to fight to be the executor of the estate but dropped that because he was so overwhelmed and he trusted his former MIL to do the right thing.

Obviously this trust was misplaced.

((((askye and family)))) I'm no expert on estates law. But yeah, something sounds funny here. (And as a former litigator, I wonder whether the executor might be liable for the fees and penalties.)