I had my intake appointment thing - which was FREE! THey don't charge for that, which is cool.

I talked to this one guy and gave him a ton of info that might be helpful, I don't know. I'm more stable than I was when I first saw the shrink but I still burst into tears a few times. He had THe Office tissues and after he handed me one he asked me if I liked the show.

And I told him I couldn't watch it because ... well it triggers all my anxiety over humilation and teasing and bieng the butt of jokes. I can watch soem parts but not all of it.

So the gist of it is they recommended a nurse practioner not to manage meds, but to help with nutrition and trying to help with energy levels and a therapist. But they have to check about insurance, somehow that didn't get taken care of before the appointment.

I've wanted to work with a nutritionist before so I was okay with that recommendation.

At the local farmers market, I found myself able to get a weeks supply of carrot greens and beet greens at no charge. I'm in the habit of eating spinach-chicken salad for breakfast, and am now substituting the carrot and beet greens for the spinach. (I dress the salad with splenda sweetened cider vinegar, garlic,black pepper and sunflower oil - so it is a quite tasty breakfast.) Of course I like bitter chewy greens, so I can't rec this for everyone. (On the other hand, don't much like tasteless chewy greens, like a lot of raw kale). My required insulin dose has fallen again (even from what it dropped to after the last blood sugar crash), and I'm starting to sleep better too. Don't know if it has anything to do with these particular greens, especially since my insulin needs long term trend has been down, but it is an interesting coincidence.

I'm on my way back from Maine. We stopped in Massachusetts, to see family and go to a folk festival. The folk festival was pretty good. Seeing family tomorrow. I stupidly forgot my pain pills, and I really need them today, so I'm loading up on as much Advil as I feel safe with.

I sold my bike - I've had for like 7 years and ridden maybe twice - my mom had it before then. Anyway it was probably worth a lot more than I sold it for, but I wanted it gone gone gone and now it is. Also sold 7 books today (bought 1, so net loss of 6). I've listed 3 more things on Craigslist and fingers crossed they sell quickly.

Not sold, but out of the house - 2 old pairs of sneakers (Nike Factory store has a recycling program you can drop off at). So good day for getting stuff out of the house.

Maybe I will motivate some more and get those size 8 clothes measured and photographed for Burrell and Kate.

Yay askye for minions! I'm glad that the PTB at your job have recognized your leadership.

So it's been a bit since I talked about how I'm doing. For some reason, Sunday night at work is particularly hard. But it's not so much missing Hubby as it is being afraid of feeling the grief. I'm afraid of the pain.

That's totally understandable -- and I'm not sure there's any best way to handle it. For some people, the full wallow works; for others, it's letting it in a nibble at a time.

I think of you every day, and have so much love and respect -- I just wish that could help with bearing the load a bit better.

I read stories about women who are all but incapacitated for months and who say the 2nd year is the hardest. I get a gut punch of longing every now and then, but I can keep my brain busy enough that it's a constant melancholy in the back of my head rather than frequent weeping. I don't know if I'm only delaying incapacitation or letting it drain away in a more peaceful manner.

Maybe other women were taken by surprise, maybe they hadn't been playing "what if?" for years.

I think everyone is different. In the short run I kept ridiculously busy. Took a heavy school schedule then visited my sister for a time. Worked out like mad. It was like a super busy foggy haze. In the long run there is just no anticipating when it is going to hit. It has been 27 years and I will still get a sudden wave of heavy grief if I watch a certain movie or see someone or something that hits me the right/wrong way. Fortunately there is some balance now and the wave might be a warm wave of he would love this or he would hate this.

There is no right or wrong, no usual or unusual, it is just what your own psyche has to do to get through it to some point of normal again.

I think the shock of something unanticipated like an accident has an added burden on top of the grief and loss. A friend of mine lost her husband to suicide and she had a heavy dose of pissed off on top of the grief. Turned her into wonder woman or something. She wasn't ever going to need anyone. Did construction projects and fixed her car. Total independence was her method of coping with the loss.

You have to listen to yourself because you know what you need. Crying, or traveling, or taking up pottery. Follow your instincts. I so wish that an outside party could actually help. It is a sucky thing to have to find your way through to put it mildly.

Short version - hugs and love.

It's reassuring to hear of other people who used distraction as a crutch/support. I liken it to a physical wound, it has to sit and heal, and the best way to do it is not to pick at it (I tend to be a picker). Gentle tending, proper protection, let it settle and see how it scars.

It's still weird to be admired for being strong. I know no other way to be than how I am. I confess to envying those who can hide themselves away for a while. I guess they have other people to do the carrying for a while. I suspect my ancestors would be looking at me in somber approval.