FFS, my little sister's high school graduation is in a few weeks, and of course i've juggled vacation days and trades to get enough time away from work in June be there. Today her mother sent out a group email to eight people asking for RSVPS to the graduation ceremony followed by: "Finally, I have a personal request. (sister) is aware of some special letters that other members of the family have received at 18th b'days or graduations. Those letters reflected back on memories of the young person's life, character traits, hopes and dreams the author may have had for them. The sort of letters that get cherished and treasured for years to come. -I wonder if you might be willing to write such a letter, short or long, for her? It would mean more than you imagine."

This is pissing me off more than i have words for. My father started writing a letter to me the day I was born, and gave it to me upon my high school graduation. I treasure the tome (it's a good 12 pages of handwritten scrawl.) Stepmother was present when I received it. That is CLEARLY what my sister's mother is referencing and trying to elicit from people. A BIT LATE FOR A LIFETIME COMPOSITION, WOMAN! I suspect she's trying to lay a guilt trip on my father who, for many reasons (including a strong belief that my sister is not his biological daughter, for REASONS which have foundation but which he will not confirm or deny with genetic testing) has not had a strong bond with his younger daughter. Pretty sure that since he was still recovering from quadruple bypass surgery when she was born, and considers that a result of his heart breaking when he found out his wife was cheating on him, he might not have been in quite the same emotional state WRT progeny that he was when I was born. We have vastly different relationships with the man. He also was no longer the young man yearning for a family that he had been when I came along. Expecting a repeat performance from him is utterly unrealistic, in spite of how nice it would be for her. Now I feel super guilty for ever sharing how much I cherish that letter since clearly a bar has been set and expectations made.

And since there's little chance of her getting such a letter from Dad, I feel pretty damned prodded here to pass on the favor, so to speak. (other recipients of this request were her grandparents and friends of the family. Hopefully at least one of them will comply lest hearts be broken.) And while I love my sister and have been composing and giving lengthy letters to her for YEARS the ornery, contrary part of me is now digging in my heels and saying HELLS NO just because her mom is asking for it. Which leaves me feeling mean, spiteful, and emotionally blackmailed, and wanting to just bail on the whole trip and go spend a week with friends instead. (Which won't happen, I'm not going to punish my sister for her mother's emotional manipulations, but it does make me really want to spend less time with the both of them.)

Ugh. Way to feel like a selfish and evil bitch, self.

erin_o, I understand that urge to do the opposite of what is being prodded for. There is crazy-making in that asking. One way to preserve sanity is to put your energy into whatever intersection there is between what your sister truly needs/wants at this time and what resources you have available for her. It can be crappy that parents cannot treat every child exactly equal, but then it can be excellent as well. And that is the kind of wisdom that does not come easily wrapped for a graduation prezzie.

It's not cool to *ask* for a heartwarming offering...maybe this is pinging me because it is the sort of crap my stepmother would pull. Maybe stepmom can get an autograph book or and send it/pass it around at graduation festivities? No guarantees but I bet her friends and family *could* write some touching thoughts, but nobody can do it under the gun like that, except Nicholas Sparks or somebody. But that request has an undertone of "Make me cry, goddamnit," which I would instantly resent.(Does she know what her daughter really wants? Some people, ie, your correspondent, don't really look for a lot of sentiment...everyone likes to feel loved, of course, but snark is generally more my personal sweet spot.)

Oh, I think if you care about the person, you can do it under the gun. People write eulogies under the gun all the time. I think it might be different than something written on your own time, but it's totally doable. If you DON'T care about the person, well, all bets are off.

I suppose. And if it's heartfelt enough, nobody will care about the execution that much...in my experience though, it's not the moments you try to engineer the most that make the best memories, but I'm sure that nobody will come up empty.

Mostly I feel incredibly betrayed that she would hold up what was a very personal and intimately emotional gift to me as an example and then ask everyone to make it happen again for her daughter. If she wants that to happen, she can do it herself. She is, after all, the intended recipient's mother. Then there's the ongoing resentment on my part to have been yet again, year after year, life event after life event, been asked step in and take on a parental role in her child's life.

Of course i'm over-reacting. I'm chronically exhausted and sick of being in constant pain for almost a solid year now and not having the emotional release that i normally get from exercise. Only swimming is still on the table, so today I swam before work and used all the rage and resentment roiling inside me to power through a quick mile before work. I'm feeling a lot less ragey now but still seriously considering penning a long letter that i will likely never share with her about considering her target audience before making such requests. It's all well and good to ask for what you want, but not with the kind of emotional load that this particular request has for me and my dad. Nice thing to share with the kid's grandparents and close family friends. But me? I'm super pissed off, both for me and on behalf of my dad who I will NOT be calling or writing to until i simmer down enough to not stir up the resentment and bile i'm pretty certain he's steaming with right now also.

eta: another element of backstory i don't think i included is that i've already had to pressure my father into just GOING to this graduation. A significant factor in me being there is to make sure that he goes. So getting this email....on top of all the private emails i'm almost certain her mom has been sending him with this impending major life event...i wouldn't be surprised if he's already blown his top and said something mean and stupid. *sigh*

erin,

good grief, I am sorry about all of this. truly. take care of yourself as best you can, because that is the priority.

Is your sister going to college, or starting a new job or moving later in the summer?

I wonder if a gesture toward her (whether it be a letter or something else that you would like to do) a couple months from now might be equally appreciated.

She is starting college at a neighboring state(planning on majoring in theatre and criminology) so I have put together a little kit with small, easily packed things that can be expensive to aquire at the school stores (like specialty theatre-related drafting templates, a silver miniature scale rule, other things I aquired over many years in theatre and hung onto for sentimental reasons.) Been trying to brainstorm other general college-related stuff but I also don't want to burden her with shtuff that would require shlepping (I might have gotten her a life-size coardboard David Tennant 10th doctor for her birthday and suggested that it could look over her as she slept in her dorm room. In my defense, it does pack flat.) I try to support her interests in theatre and geekery.

I know her grandmother will make sure she has a nice suit for interviews when the time comes, and her grandfather used to be a VP at NationsBank and gives out stock as gifts so there will an investment in her financial future.

Of course there will also be many care packages once she gets there and is settling in. It's much easier for me to be loving and supportive towards her when my hackles aren't raised by being told how.

I think theater and criminology is an...interesting mix.

So, will she be doing "Chicago?"

I have been away. Now I am back. Hi, Buffistas!

meara:

erin, glad you got a diagnosis finally, and continuing health~ma for your innards!

Hil, I hope your job situation gets worked out soon.

Connie, may all the medical stuff go smoothly for your Hubby.

msbelle, I saw myself in a photo of a friend, facing away from camera, and I didn't recognize myself. I was like, "who's that fat woman? huh, I don't remember seeing her there - OMG!". So, yeah. I feel you.

I'm not sure how I'd handle it if someone were to sit with me and take care of me (without resentment) when I was sick. It's never happened.

Speaking of, cat peed on my bed again because she got shut in the room by accident.

Percy Shelley the Emo Cat and Murray O'Hair have shut themselves in rooms often enough, I've placed cast-iron doorstops inside the doorjambs of every door in the house, to prevent it happening again. Percy likes to play "shut the door". Murray's just boisterous.

erin, what a load of blackmailing BS. I'd bet it's not even the kind of thing the girl herself would even care about.