Sheeit.

I just got (almost) handed to the new director. But...and I don't say this lightly, there's no one within months of being able to do what I do for my current primary boss, and we already have enough of a reputation issue with the tech people on my application being more and more watered down (the business considers it photocopy degradation--the first replacement was pretty good, and everything got done, even if it took a shade longer--but now that we're at a copy-of-a-copy stage, it's incompetent city). No matter what I want to do for a living, if I do it here, I can't in good conscience walk away from them

And I told my manager just that--we're having trouble delivering, and I'm not going to make that worse--in fact I offered to train up to be the IIS SME, since no developer will do it. I'm just tired of having to be cosigned all the time, and work with a developer who a) never signs anything and b) will cut me out of any loop if she can.

This way, I'd officially get to tell her what to do.

Thank god I have tomorrow off. I get a day to think and not have to look anyone in the face.

The thing is that my job is just so physically draining that I'm usually a zombie at the end of the day. Consulting actually takes more brainpower than I usually have to spare, even on a weekend.

I was doing okay with rentals at work (where I get to sit on my butt at work and get paid $25/hr and also catch up on deskwork for my primary job), but we've been closed to the public two winters in a row and it's finally caught up with me. Most of the rich people hereabouts are quite happy to open their wallets to the legitimate landscaping firms. I did pick up an extra 200 doing flower arrangements, but consults make me skeevy (1: because I just don't have the brain power after a work week and 2: because I feel guilty about charging people for talking to them), and doing maintenance afterhours is exhausting. Mostly it's been old ladies looking for weeding help that contact me. Flower arranging makes me happy, but also makes me feel guilty about how much I have to charge.

I know I'm my own worst enemy, in terms of hesitance and not being the energizer bunny.

At least my electric bill isn't 250 a month anymore (until winter comes again, darn you electric heating!).

I got a commssion for a natural dried wreath, and even that had me in cold sweats about how much the materials and time cost came out to. It's just two different worlds, that I feel like I'm burning a bridge by giving them the price. But I don't have overhead.

Ugh. Manager is out of town, so the weekly conference call has been half bitching session. Which is fine, but they're two hours behind me, and I'm hungry. And now the meeting is running long, mostly because of the bitching.

I feel guilty about charging people for talking to them

You shouldn't. They are paying you for your expertise, which does have a lot of value.

but also makes me feel guilty about how much I have to charge.

Again, don't feel guilty. You have stated you are having issues making ends meet. You can set how much you want to charge to make it worthwhile for you. If they don't want to pay it then they can make the decision not to hire you.

I see this quite a bit, people don't want to assign monetary value to their work. You shouldn't be afraid of doing this, or feel guilty about it.

In my field, I know that my personal hourly and daily rates are not cheap. In some cases they can be up with what a lawyer will charge per hour. Some people decide not to use me because of that, but the folks that do hire me are happy with my work, my attention to detail, and the resources that I can bring to bear on a project. I can do all of those things because I am charging a rate that makes it possible.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox on this one. It's a thing for me.

Timelies all!

I'm sorry, Suela.

Great news about your mom, Dana.

Yeah, I absolutely agree with ND here. Expertise, work ethic, competency...those have actual, honest to goodness, monetary value. Then there's the market. Not to be all capitalist on anybody, 'cause all y'all know I ain't, but there is a price the market will bear, and if that is so, you should be able to charge that price for your services. Your services are not somehow not worth what you can charge for them.

a wasp flew in my office and flew up to the ceiling corner. I cut off the light, closed the blinds, opened my hall door wider hoping the thing would fly into the hall!

After 2 tense minutes, it found its way out! YAY.

See, in that situation I would have spritzed it with household cleaner and then stepped on it when it fell to the floor. Wasps get no mercy from me, though I've gone to ridiculous lengths to get a trapped bee back outside.

The moral of this story is that maybe if wasps were less stingy and more with the pollinating and providing honey, they'd get treated better.

Yay mom-of-Dana!

Consula, I'm sorry about your mom's possible stroke and associated doctor disagreements.

The wasp was up at the ceiling and my ceilings are probably 10-15 high. I couldn't get it to hit it. I prefer that such things fly out of my space if I can help it.