I think I probably said it, before the divorce, when it wasn't a big deal And after the divorce, when everything was a big deal and I ended up in counseling for it. (My brother should have gone, too, but he "seemed fine" at the time. I...don't come from a long line of psychics, let's just say that. But even my dad couldn't ignore me, aged twelve, at the top of my lungs saying that I wished they both would die, catching them fighting for the eleven-millionth time. But it was good...my therapist was disabled. Talking about that helped more, maybe. It was kind of a bigger secret...not the fact of it, but all the feels.

Still finding it incredibly difficult, decades later, to express the anger I have towards my parents, even alone with my analyst. It’s THE issue that’s holding me back in therapy.

Do you feel like you're not allowed to be angry at them? Because I do. I feel like I'm not allowed to have any non-pre-approved feeling, actually. (Well, I worked through a good deal of that, and now if my mom has a problem with my non-pre-approved feeling, I just exercise my right to own my own shit and hang up or leave, or whatever. And then I feel terrible and eat 100 cakes or something.)

To this day I get extremely uncomfortable just being around an angry person (even if they're not angry at me).

I am totally like this.

One of the rare breaks I did get is that they didn't die during the time I was thinking about it. I might have ended up crip!Parker, if so.

I just have to learn that I don't have to hold everything together all the time.

Tell me the secret when you do, huh?

I discussed the ACOA thing last week with my therapist, and he just nodded, yeah, you didn't know that? Uh, thanks. I don't know if kids whose parents actually were alcoholics or addicts feel this way, but it was and still is incredibly hard for me to look at anything my parents did as wrong (even unintentionally) because my mom was SICK. And you don't blame sick people.

is your love for them conditional?

Absolutely. My love for them is a response, and it could change depending on what I'm responding to.

If my mother started beating my father, for instance, or any number of "Oh, no you didn't...that's not how grownups act." things, there would definitely be a re-evaluation.

I'll never not be grateful for the many good things they've done for me, and I'm not saying it wouldn't be a messy and complicated process if they did something I couldn't forgive. But there are things I can't forgive.

I'm not very good at "but they're family" thing. I've seen relatives be so completely cruel and damaging to each other (including to me, and I sorely hope never by me--it's certainly something I'd like to address if I ever provoked it, and earn back the good regard of whoever I hurt. Well, except for the couple of stank-assed bitches in the family. I'm good with cutting them out of my life. They did shit I'm not standing around to tolerate, so we're done.)

Tell me the secret when you do, huh?

Ha. So far the secret seems to be me freaking out, Pete handing me Clovis and some chocolate, and then telling me that I can't keep doing this to myself. Which is a great stopgap, but not a long-term solution, y'know?

but it was and still is incredibly hard for me to look at anything my parents did as wrong (even unintentionally) because my mom was SICK. And you don't blame sick people.

YES, THIS. So I'm just going to sit next to you, and we can rock back and forth and twitch a lot, how 'bout that plan? Again, not a great long-term solution, but it sounds good right now.

Casper went through a phase where she wrote me little hate mash notes, at about 5. My favorite was "you are a big fat hors[e]". The spelling was usually so adorable it was hard to be upset by them.

I went through this same phase, and my mother saved all the notes so she could show them to me when I had my own kids. They are AWFUL, but in a funny way.

The last straw of my worst parenting day ever (so far!) was when, after HOURS of Dylan being a total pain in the ass in that way that only really smart stubborn 4 year-olds can be, I blurted out in frustration "Why are you so well behaved with Daddy and not me??!?!?!?!!!" and he answered without missing a beat "Because I like Daddy more than I like you." Ouch.

There was never any screaming of any sort in my relationship with my family. Silence was the mode. My older sisters would yell and shout, but I don't remember if anyone said they hated anyone else. When the drama started, I was in a book.

I didn't have to be really responsible for anyone as a kid. I slipped through as anonymously as I could.

So I'm just going to sit next to you, and we can rock back and forth and twitch a lot, how 'bout that plan?

I'll bring the tea and chocolate, you bring the devilbunnies.

I blurted out in frustration "Why are you so well behaved with Daddy and not me??!?!?!?!!!" and he answered without missing a beat "Because I like Daddy more than I like you." Ouch.

Oh yeah. My favorite was when Jake said to me, completely seriously, at about two and a half, "What are you for?"

I don't remember if I ever told either of my parents that I hated them. I'm betting I didn't, because I was very invested in being a Good Kid.

That's me!

I blurted out in frustration "Why are you so well behaved with Daddy and not me??!?!?!?!!!" and he answered without missing a beat "Because I like Daddy more than I like you." Ouch.

Oof.