One of the rare breaks I did get is that they didn't die during the time I was thinking about it. I might have ended up crip!Parker, if so.

I just have to learn that I don't have to hold everything together all the time.

Tell me the secret when you do, huh?

I discussed the ACOA thing last week with my therapist, and he just nodded, yeah, you didn't know that? Uh, thanks. I don't know if kids whose parents actually were alcoholics or addicts feel this way, but it was and still is incredibly hard for me to look at anything my parents did as wrong (even unintentionally) because my mom was SICK. And you don't blame sick people.

is your love for them conditional?

Absolutely. My love for them is a response, and it could change depending on what I'm responding to.

If my mother started beating my father, for instance, or any number of "Oh, no you didn't...that's not how grownups act." things, there would definitely be a re-evaluation.

I'll never not be grateful for the many good things they've done for me, and I'm not saying it wouldn't be a messy and complicated process if they did something I couldn't forgive. But there are things I can't forgive.

I'm not very good at "but they're family" thing. I've seen relatives be so completely cruel and damaging to each other (including to me, and I sorely hope never by me--it's certainly something I'd like to address if I ever provoked it, and earn back the good regard of whoever I hurt. Well, except for the couple of stank-assed bitches in the family. I'm good with cutting them out of my life. They did shit I'm not standing around to tolerate, so we're done.)

Tell me the secret when you do, huh?

Ha. So far the secret seems to be me freaking out, Pete handing me Clovis and some chocolate, and then telling me that I can't keep doing this to myself. Which is a great stopgap, but not a long-term solution, y'know?

but it was and still is incredibly hard for me to look at anything my parents did as wrong (even unintentionally) because my mom was SICK. And you don't blame sick people.

YES, THIS. So I'm just going to sit next to you, and we can rock back and forth and twitch a lot, how 'bout that plan? Again, not a great long-term solution, but it sounds good right now.

Casper went through a phase where she wrote me little hate mash notes, at about 5. My favorite was "you are a big fat hors[e]". The spelling was usually so adorable it was hard to be upset by them.

I went through this same phase, and my mother saved all the notes so she could show them to me when I had my own kids. They are AWFUL, but in a funny way.

The last straw of my worst parenting day ever (so far!) was when, after HOURS of Dylan being a total pain in the ass in that way that only really smart stubborn 4 year-olds can be, I blurted out in frustration "Why are you so well behaved with Daddy and not me??!?!?!?!!!" and he answered without missing a beat "Because I like Daddy more than I like you." Ouch.

There was never any screaming of any sort in my relationship with my family. Silence was the mode. My older sisters would yell and shout, but I don't remember if anyone said they hated anyone else. When the drama started, I was in a book.

I didn't have to be really responsible for anyone as a kid. I slipped through as anonymously as I could.

So I'm just going to sit next to you, and we can rock back and forth and twitch a lot, how 'bout that plan?

I'll bring the tea and chocolate, you bring the devilbunnies.

I blurted out in frustration "Why are you so well behaved with Daddy and not me??!?!?!?!!!" and he answered without missing a beat "Because I like Daddy more than I like you." Ouch.

Oh yeah. My favorite was when Jake said to me, completely seriously, at about two and a half, "What are you for?"

I don't remember if I ever told either of my parents that I hated them. I'm betting I didn't, because I was very invested in being a Good Kid.

That's me!

I blurted out in frustration "Why are you so well behaved with Daddy and not me??!?!?!?!!!" and he answered without missing a beat "Because I like Daddy more than I like you." Ouch.

Oof.

I don't remember if I ever told either of my parents that I hated them. I'm betting I didn't, because I was very invested in being a Good Kid.

That was so me! I was fairly convinced that making my dad in any way disappointed was the WORST THING I could ever possibly do. And a pit of shame might open under my feet or something. Shit, I should call or something.

That was so me! I was fairly convinced that making my dad in any way disappointed was the WORST THING I could ever possibly do. And a pit of shame might open under my feet or something. Shit, I should call or something.

Ugh, the fear of making them disappointed, the pit of shame under your feet. Yep, I am very familiar with those feelings.

There are times I am amazed that I am able to function. But I suppose that my particular issues ensure I function, even when I shouldn't.