The common denominator is the child having to take on a parental role because the parent - for whatever reason - is not capable of taking charge.

And I'm the oldest child (of two) and a girl. And when things were really bad with Mom, all of Dad's attention was on her -- those were the times when he would let me take the car when I only had my permit, or forgot to come to school stuff because he was back and forth from the hospital or otherwise focused on Mom.

People pleaser, the need to help, so much of it fits. I'm not sure what to do with that, actually.

I'm not an ACOA but I am the adult child of a mom who was severly mentally ill and didn't get the right help until I was 19. I float between take control and hide. Mostly, I hide. I call it "turtle-ing". I turtle until things look better then I poke my head back out. I've been doing that for about a year and a half thus far, but it's getting better.

Great video, Sue!

Thanks Ginger! It was a lot of fun to make. And to meet all those kitties!

I'm an ACOA except my mother was a secret drunk for most of my growing up, so the effects weren't really felt. That said, most of my sibs ended up as Hero Children: we're all pretty successful (and nobody went to prison, yay).

Do NOT underestimate that. Food and booze shoved at you are really helpful in stressful times

And yes, it does help. Last night I hit TJ's on the way home and made myself a steak salad and binged on Falling Skies episodes.

My father keeps printing out fliers for assisted living places, but he would have to force my mother to move into one, and probably have her declared incompetent first. It's not really a viable option, even though I think that if they were in one, he would do much better.

I wish my mother had known/taken advantage of the ACOA stuff. Her father was an alcoholic, and I'm sure that fed into her controlling nature. She had stern views on things, and all of her children violated them in some way. She raised us to be as strong as she was, and it bit her in the metaphorical butt.

I have sympathy for her and what she went through, but I'm afraid I stopped missing her decades before she died.

Oooh, thanks for the link to the Metafilter thread on UVA. Here's an awesome comment in there, considering that the issue in question appears to be on a shift away from supporting Classics and other non-business-relevant areas of study:

seismologists all over the Eastern Seaboard are picking up some kind of odd activity, which seems to be coming from a rapidly spinning object located at latitude 38°00'43N and longitude 078°27'03W

Nicely done.

My parents weren’t alcoholics, they just abused me emotionally. It makes it harder for me to understand why they did it, and easier to blame myself.

Javachik, others got there before me, but yeah, ACOA is Adult Children of Alcoholics - or addicts, or emotionally screwed-up barely-functioning people; the psychological profiles of their children tend to be similar. My sister has the "take control and make things work" personality; I have the "hide until it goes away" personality. And that's a very bad off-the-cuff explanation. Someone else can probably do it better, if you're interested.

Yes, sadly well aware of the situation, personally. I just didn't know the common initials. Thank you!

It makes it harder for me to understand why they did it, and easier to blame myself.

Well, as they're not my parents I'm completely willing to write them off as Bad Human Beings with Poor Parenting Skills who didn't appreciate or do very much to help the young Tom Scola. Who - while not perfect - was certainly a very sweet, smart, talented kid who could've used some parents who were sensitive and supportive instead of mean, petty and undermining. Or in the case of your Mom, weak.

Feel free to print that up and take it to your therapist and say, "Hey, my friends say my parents were total dicks? Is that it?"

Man, I'm working on an incredibly boring project. Why won't it end?