Wow. I'm on Wellbutrin right now merely because it was the only AD I could remember when I told my GP I needed some medication help with my moods. I'm careful to take it early so it doesn't affect my ability to fall asleep, and my motivation has clearly improved, but nothing dramatic--either positively or negatively. No extra energy, no increased libido, no rage, no noticeable impact on the insomnia. It's just that things aren't as molasses bleak and hard to untangle myself from anymore.
As for my memory, I have no idea if I have one or not. So there's that. I wouldn't know
what
to start blaming it on.
I'm fine with Wellbutrin. Effexor, however, made me think more and more about strangling everyone who annoyed me. I thought that ultimately that would be a bad thing.
My hair dryer worked yesterday. Why doesn't it work today?
I wish I had any understanding of what's wrong with my brain, why I can't get out of bed some days, why I will find myself waking up crying with no memory of why.
But the medication has never made things actually better. Only more dull, with an inability to turn a phrase or enjoy music fully. I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather have some bad episodes that might last a few months and have the rest of the year be full of a life I can truly enjoy.
Yeah, obviously, mileage varies hugely w/r/t psych meds. I wasn't being serious about the recommendation, although it worked spookily well for me, in that respect. I no longer got pleasure out of smoking and just looked at cigarettes the way a non smoker does-- they weren't desirable anymore.
I do wonder if I could have ever been a writer or accomplished some of the things I've been able to do without the illness, or if my life would be significantly different/better if my brain wasn't an oozing sore.
Every time I think I have a grasp on it, something happens to prove I don't have a clue.
Is Superdouchey Fallacy an official term?
More of a superdouchey phallus in this case.
Sorry your day's been so shitty, Tom.
For me, even outside of meds, my depression/creativity is completely tied together. When it got to be too much, I had the ability to turn it off, but it all went together. So I was a music teacher with an outreach to hurting kids who couldn't feel or write or play or sing. It kinda didn't work. But it's awfully painful to stay open to all that stuff. Yet at the moment I choose it, because I love it.
I wonder what it is, genetically that causes it. Sort of like sickle cell/malaria? Like, "hooray, I have this genetic protection against malaria...boo, I also have sickle cell."
Is there some genetic thing that involves creativity that also causes depression/mental illness? I'd love to know.
